Abandonul Si Rusinea

7/25/2019 Abandonul Si Rusinea

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The Many Faces of Addiction

The journey to healing and recovery

by Claudia Black, M.S.W., h.!.

"nderstanding the ain of Abandon#ent

$iving %ith re&eated abandon#ent e'&eriences creates to'ic sha#e.

ublished on (une ), *++ by Claudia Black, M.S.W., h.!. in The Many Faces of

Addiction

When children are raised %ith chronic loss, %ithout the &sychological or &hysical

&rotection they need and certainly deserve, it is #ost natural for the# to internali-e

incredible fear. ot receiving the necessary &sychological or &hysical &rotection

e/uals abandon#ent. And, living %ith re&eated abandon#ent e'&eriences creates

to'ic sha#e. Sha#e arises fro# the &ainful #essage i#&lied in abandon#ent0 12ouare not i#&ortant. 2ou are not of value.1 This is the &ain fro# %hich &eo&le need to

heal.

For so#e children abandon#ent is &ri#arily &hysical. hysical abandon#ent occurs

%hen the &hysical conditions necessary for thriving have been re&laced by0

lack of a&&ro&riate su&ervision

inade/uate &rovision of nutrition and #eals

inade/uate clothing, housing, heat, or shelter

&hysical and3or se'ual abuse

Children are totally de&endent on caretakers to &rovide safety in their environ#ent.

When they do not, they gro% u& believing that the %orld is an unsafe &lace, that

&eo&le are not to be trusted, and that they do not deserve &ositive attention and

ade/uate care.

4#otional abandon#ent occurs %hen &arents do not &rovide the e#otional

conditions and the e#otional environ#ent necessary for healthy develoent. 5 like

to de6ne e#otional abandon#ent as 1occurring %hen a child has to hide a &art of

%ho he or she is in order to be acce&ted, or to not be rejected.1

7aving to hide a &art of yourself #eans0

it is not okay to #ake a #istake.

it is not okay to sho% feelings, being told the %ay you feel is not true. 12ou have

nothing to cry about and if you don8t sto& crying 5 %ill really give you so#ething to

cry about.1 1That really didn8t hurt.1 12ou have nothing to be angry about.1


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it is not okay to have needs. 4veryone else8s needs a&&ear to be #ore i#&ortant

than yours.

it is not okay to have successes. Acco#&lish#ents are not ackno%ledged, are #any

ti#es discounted.

9ther acts of abandon#ent occur %hen0

Children cannot live u& to the e'&ectations of their &arents. These e'&ectations are

often unrealistic and not age:a&&ro&riate.

Children are held res&onsible for other &eo&le8s behavior. They #ay be consistently

bla#ed for the actions and feelings of their &arents.

!isa&&roval to%ard children is ai#ed at their entire beings or identity rather than a

&articular behavior, such as telling a child he is %orthless %hen he does not do his

ho#e%ork or she is never going to be a good athlete because she #issed the 6nal

catch of the ga#e.

Many ti#es abandon#ent issues are fused %ith distorted, confused, or unde6ned

boundaries such as0

When &arents do not vie% children as se&arate beings %ith distinct boundaries

When &arents e'&ect children to be e'tensions of the#selves

When &arents are not %illing to take res&onsibility for their feelings, thoughts, and

behaviors, but e'&ect children to take res&onsibility for the#

When &arents8 self:estee# is derived through their child8s behavior

When children are treated as &eers %ith no &arent3child distinction


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Abandon#ent &lus distorted boundaries, at a ti#e %hen children are develo&ing

their sense of %orth, is the foundation for the belief in their o%n inade/uacy and the

central cause of their sha#e.

Abandon#ent e'&eriences and boundary violations are in no %ay indict#ents of a

child8s innate goodness and value. 5nstead, they reveal the ;a%ed thinking, false

beliefs, and i#&aired behaviors of those %ho hurt the#. Still, the %ounds are struck

dee& in their young hearts and #inds, and the very real &ain can still be felt today.

The causes of e#otional injury need to be understood and acce&ted so they can

heal. "ntil that occurs, the &ain %ill stay %ith the#, beco#ing a driving force in

their adult lives.

4'cer&t fro# Changing Course

Sha#e ::

The Sha&er of Sy#&to#s

$ynne a#ka, 4d. !. < *++=

Sha#e is a fear:based internal state acco#&anied by feelings of being un%orthy

and unlovable.

Sha#e conjures u& brief, intense &ainful feelings of #orti6cation due to being seen

as inade/uate. Sha#e feelings are a threat to the integrity of the self. 5t kee&s us

caught in fear of being found out by others. The &erceived de6cit is so hu#iliating

that the &erson goes to great lengths to hide the ;a%ed self.

5nduced causes of sha#e by others include a betrayal by the# in so#e %ay. Trust in

often broken through &arental disa&&roval and judg#ent. 7arsh, critical &arental

behavior &roduces sha#e:&rone, &erfectionistic children %ho then &ass the fa#ilybad habit do%n to their children. The energy of sha#e of others is contagious and

can be &assed fro# one individual to another. 5n this #anner, fa#ily dysfunction is

handed do%n fro# one generation to the other.

arental %ithdra%al, rejection or favoritis# of a sibling cause dee& fears of

abandon#ent and sha#e. The child feels that he #ust be really bad or his &arents

do not love hi#. arents %ho have too high e'&ectations of behavior, criticis# and


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disa&&roval for failure create sha#e as the child cannot realistically live u& to the

high e'&ectations. arental hu#iliation and &unish#ent for distress, crying or

#aking a #istake creates the need in the child to try to hide his vulnerability. 7e

%orries incessantly about %hat others think, fears &ublic failure and sto&s taking

risks due to fear of social disa&&roval. 7e is beco#es afraid of rejection and

abandon#ent.

When &arents &oint the 1bony 6nger of bla#e1 at a child and say 1Sha#e on you.

Sha#e. Sha#e. 2ou are a >>>>>>>>>>. 1 the child learns to believe that he is

un%orthy. 7e #ay then act out ina&&ro&riately and beco#e %hat the &arent has

labeled hi#. !oing %hat the &arent has accused hi# u& is the self:ful6lling

&ro&hesy.

The trau#a of being bullied or &hysical and se'ual abuse i#&rints #ajor feelings of

being devalued and un%orthy in the victi#. Sha#e can &ass fro# the &er&etrator to

the victi#. eo&le %ho live in abusive relationshi&s %here they feel hel&less learn

the sha#e:rage cycle. Sha#e and rage are &assed fro# one &erson to another

through learning to act like the aggressor.

So#e churches use sha#e to control their #e#bers by &reaching rigid rules %hich

are inconsistent %ith hu#an nature. The #ore that 1hell and da#nation1 are

e#&hasi-ed, the #ore guilt and sha#e the #e#bers %ill have.

?uilt is a feeling that %e did so#ething %rong. ?uilt is usually tied to a s&eci6c

behavior. ?uilt says, 15 did so#ething bad. 5 #ust &ay.1 Co##on causes of guilt are

violation of society8s8 values around se'ual and aggressive behavior, issues around

bathroo# functions care and being di@erent and being looked do%n u&on by others.

We create guilt and sha#e in ourselves %hen %e engage in #orally:ina&&ro&riate

behavior and get caught and there is &ublic hu#iliation.

?uilt is about actions, sha#e is about the self. Sha#e says 15 a# bad. 5 a#

[email protected] The sha#e core can build u& after engaging in behaviors you kno% are

%rong. Accu#ulated guilt by continuing to act in %ays that you kno% are %rong can

turn into sha#e.


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?uilt and sha#e can build u& %ith re&eated incidents of hu#iliation and lead to

internal global beliefs of 15 a# un%orthy. 5 don8t deserve good things. 5 a#

unlovable. 1 The feelings around these dee& core beliefs are so bad that they #ust

be avoided at all costs. 9ther #ore acce&table feelings such as sadness, anger or

rage get substituted instead.

Sha#e is the sha&er of sy#&to#s. 5t creates a false self %here you cannot be real.

5t can create nasty behaviors that you regret later. e&ressed sha#e leads to

substituting #ore acce&table e#otions to you such as anger, rage, de&ression and

an'iety to reduce the internal tension that is so hard to bear. 9ther defenses of

sha#e include #acho behavior, intellectuali-ation and shutting do%n feelings.

Controlling, bla#ing, critici-ing or feeling su&erior to others are other co##on

defenses to avoid feelings of sha#e. 4ngaging in e'cessive use of alcohol,

substances and addictive behavior #ay be an indicator of sha#e. !runken behavior

#ay then cause #ore sha#e. 4ngaging in behaviors that society fro%ns u&oncreates #ore guilt and sha#e.

5n the sha#e3rage cycle, there is an instant ;ooding of adrenalin and cortisol to

&re&are the &erson to 6ght back. 2ou co#e under the control of 6ght or ;ight

hor#ones and attack the other &erson going for their jugular vein. 2our co##on

sense goes out the %indo% as you lose your &ersonal sense of res&onsibility and

then lose control.

atterns of dysfunctional behavior in a &erson8s life usually indicate a strong internal

sha#e core. $ack of inti#acy and connection to others indicates a lack of trust

%hich %as brought about by early feelings of hel&lessness and hu#iliation.

e&ressed sha#e and guilt cause a lack of trust of others and a dee& breach or

se&aration fro# others and the real self.

age is al%ays about entitle#ent and feeling insecure inside. The &erson believes

he has the right to vent and yell to get the other &erson to back o@. 7e uses anger

to inti#idate others to get the# to leave you alone. Bad behavior %orks to reducethe threat, but it da#ages relationshi&s.

At so#e &oint in your, the old defenses of anger, rage and running a%ay fro# &ain

no longer %ork. Sha#e co#es u& big ti#e. 2our life crashes and you hit an


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e#otional botto#. An i#&ortant relationshi& is threatened or ends %hich #ay

&ro#&t you to seek &sychological hel&.

Sha#e is the Sha&er of Sy#&to#s but 5t is Also the Way 7o#e

9ne &ur&ose of the negative e#otion is to hel& us look at those as&ects of ourself

that is not congruent %ith our dee&est values and understanding of %hat it #eans

to be hu#an fro# a soul level. 2ou can use your sha#eful feelings as a signal that

so#ething needs e'a#ining. The an'iety around the &ainful &ast #ust be entered

into and #oved through.

"nderstanding ho% sha#e %orks hel&s release it. Sha#e can be released through

o%ning it, talking about it and &rocessing the original &ainful e'&eriences.

"nco#fortable feeling can be accessed and %orked through %ith the hel& of askillful thera&ist. The sha#e reduction %ork #ust be e'&erientialD it usually cannot

be released on an intellectual level. $aughter about one8s &redica#ent so#eti#es

hel&s shift sha#e energies.

2ou can learn to beco#e a detective on your o%n e#otions and behavior so you can

break into the hor#onal hijackings that s&iral you into bad behavior. 2ou can learn

to detach and beco#e an observer of your o%n internal state of sha#e choosing not

to shut do%n the &ainful feelings but to stay &resent and learn fro# the#. When

you get u&set, ste& back and %atch ho% the ugly adrenalin:driven behavior takesa%ay fro# being the &erson you really %ant to be. The sha#e:rage link %as

learned. The association bet%een hor#ones and bad behavior can be unlearned.

2ou can learn to break into beliefs of being entitled to screa# and yell to shut the

others do%n. 2ou can break the belief of 15 get to hurt others by #y ugly %ords

because 5 feel an unco#fortable feeling.1 2ou can sto& the attitude of 15 earn the

#oney here so 5 get to do %hat 5 %ant and violence is justi6ed. 2ou can learn better

co##unication skills. 2ou can sto& focusing on bla#ing your &artner and take

res&onsibility for your &art of the &roble#. 2ou can try to see the issue through your&artner8s eyes. This is about 6nally beco#ing a gro%n u&E

The cleaning out of the global beliefs of 15 a# bad. 5 a# a bad &erson. 5 a# not safe.

5 %ill be rejected because 5 a# un%orthy. 5 %ill be abandoned.1 takes ti#e and

e'&loration but it can be done %ith a thera&ist %ho understands the &rocess of


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sha#e release and can stay &resent %ith unconditional love. The other side of

sha#e is 15 a# %orthy even though 5 #ake #istakes. 5 a# a good &erson even if 5

get angry. 5 a# lovable.1 The truth is that you are a beautiful &erson %ho %as

sha#ed as a child and you no% need to clai# yourself as being %orthy of being

loved.

Bring the integrity of %ho you are for%ard and %ork your early &ainful issues

through to create a di@erent understanding of the early &ainful e'&eriences that

caused sha#e. Turning the sha#e over to so#ething greater than oneself can

negate those global beliefs of un%orthiness.

Feelings of guilt and sha#e can be %orked out %ith a co#&etent, co#&assionate

thera&ist. When sha#e release %ork is co#bined in thera&y %ith assertiveness

training and learning to s&eak u& and say no, to state boundaries and to share

feelings, self estee# -oo#s u&%ard.

o easy task, but there it is. By careful #onitoring and studying your sha#e and

rage and breaking into the# you can beco#e the #aster of your feelings. 5f this is

the %ork that you ca#e to do, then the higher &art of %ho you are says, 1$et8s be

about the %orkE1

For further infor#ation about sha#e, read The !ra#a Triangle, Sca&egoating and all

the articles on fa#ily violence and narcissis# on the Angries 9ut %eb site at

%%%.Angries9ut.co#.
http://www.angriesout.com/http://www.angriesout.com/


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Managing Abandon#ent !e&ression in Co#&le' TS!

By ete Walker

7ere is a #a& of the layering of defensive reactions to the underlying feelings of

abandon#ent ty&ically found in Co#&le' TS!. This territory is best vie%ed through

un%inding the dyna#ics of e#otional ;ashbacks. Flashbacks are at the dee&est

level &ainful layers of reactions : &hysiological, e#otional, cognitive, and behavioral

: to the ree#erging des&air of the childhood abandon#ent de&ression. 9ne very

co##on ;ashback:scenario occurs as follo%s0 5nternal or e'ternal &erce&tions of

&ossible abandon#ent trigger fear and sha#e, %hich then activates &anicky 5nner

Critic cognitions, %hich in turn launches an adrenali-ed 6ght, ;ight, free-e or fa%n

trau#a res&onse subse/uently referred to as the )F8s. The )F8s correlate

res&ectively %ith narcissistic, obsessive:co#&ulsive, dissociative or code&endent

defensive reactions.

7ere is an e'a#&le of the layered &rocesses of an e#otional ;ashback. A co#&le'

TS! su@erer %akes u& feeling de&ressed. Because childhood e'&erience has


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conditioned her to believe that she is un%orthy and unacce&table in this state, she

/uickly beco#es an'ious and asha#ed. This in turn activates her 5nner Critic to

goad her %ith &erfectionistic and endangering #essages. The critic cla#ors0 1o

%onder no one likes you. ?et your la-y, %orthless ass going or you8ll end u& as a

%retched bag lady on the street1E etrau#ati-ed by her o%n inner voice, she then

launches into her #ost habitual )F behavior. She lashes out at the nearest &ersonas she beco#es irritable, controlling and &ushy Fight3 arcissistic : or she launches

into busy &roductivity driven by negative, &erfectionistic and catastro&hic thinking

Flight39bsessive:Co#&ulsive: or she ;i&s on the T and beco#es dissociated,

s&aced out and slee&y Free-e3 !issociative: or she focuses i##ediately on solving

so#eone8s else8s &roble# and beco#es servile, self:abnegating and ingratiating

Fa%n3Code&endent. "nfortunately this dyna#ic also co##only o&erates in

reverse, creating &er&etual #otion cycles of internal trau#a as )F acting out also

gives the critic endless #aterial for self:hating criticis#, %hich in turn a#&s u& fear

and sha#e and 6nally co#&ounds the abandon#ent de&ression %ith a non:sto&

e'&erience of self:abandon#ent. 7ere is a diagra# of these dyna#ics0 Triggered

ABA!9M4T !44SS59 :: F4AGS7AM4 ::54 C5T5C Activation0

erfectionis# G 4ndanger#ent :: )F8s0 Fight, Flight, Free-e or Fa%n es&onse.

4s&ecially note%orthy here is ho% the inner critic can interact %ith fear and sha#e

in a &articular vicious and escalating cycle.

This article describes a treat#ent a&&roach that decreases retrau#ati-ing reactivity

to the internal a@ects of the abandon#ent de&ression. 5t guides the client to #eet

abandon#ent feelings e/uani#ously by staying so#atically &resent to the &hysical

sensations of de&ression and fear. This in turn &ro#otes the ability to feel through

abandon#ent e'&eriences %ithout launching into inner critic drastici-ing and )F

acting out. .!. $aing once stated that0 1The only &ain that can be avoided is the

&ain that co#es fro# trying to avoid unavoidable &ain1. 5n #y e'&erience resisting

unavoidable encounters %ith de&ression and fear accounts for #ore than the lion8s

share of the TS! client8s &ain.

The etiology of a self:abandoning res&onse to de&ression. Chronic e#otional

abandon#ent is one of the %orst things that can ha&&en to a child. 5t naturally

#akes her feel and a&&ear deadened and de&ressed. Functional &arents res&ond to

a child8s de&ression %ith concern and co#fortD abandoning &arents res&ond to it

%ith anger, disgust and further abandon#ent, %hich in turn create the fear, sha#e

and des&air that beco#e characteristic of the abandon#ent de&ression. A child %ho

is never co#forted %hen she is de&ressed has no #odel for develo&ing a self:

co#forting res&onse to her o%n de&ression. Without a nurturing connection %ith a

caretaker, she #ay ;ounder for long &eriods of ti#e in a de&ression that can

devolve into The Failure to Thrive Syndro#e. 5n #y e'&erience failure to thrive is


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not an all:or:none &heno#enon, but rather a continuu# that begins %ith e'cessive

de&ression and ends in the #ost severe cases %ith death. Many TS! survivors

1thrived1 very &oorly, and &erha&s at ti#es lingered near the end of the continuu#

%here they %ere close to death, if not &hysically, then &sychologically. When a child

is consistently abandoned, her develo&ing su&erego eventually assu#es totalitarian

control of her &syche and carcinogenically #or&hs into a to'ic 5nner Critic. She isthen driven to des&erately seek connection and acce&tance through the nu#erous

&rocesses of &erfectionis# and endanger#ent described in #y article 1Shrinking

The 5nner Critic in Co#&le' TS!1 see link for this article0 Shrinking the 5nner

Critic. 7er inner critic also ty&ically beco#es e#otional &erfectionistic, as it

i#itates her &arent8s conte#&t of her e#otional &ain about abandon#ent. The child

learns to judge her dys&horic feelings as the cause of her abandon#ent. 9ver ti#e

her a@ects are re&ressed, but not %ithout conta#inating her thinking &rocesses.

"nfelt fear, sha#e and de&ression are trans#uted into thoughts and i#ages so

frightening, hu#iliating and des&airing that they instantly trigger esca&ist )F acting

out. 4ventually even the #ildest hint of fear or de&ression, no #atter ho% functional

or a&&ro&riate, is auto#atically dee#ed as danger:ridden and over%hel#ing as the

original abandon#ent. The ca&acity to self:nurturingly %eather any e'&erience of

de&ression, no #atter ho% #ild, re#ains unreali-ed. The original e'&erience of

&arental abandon#ent devolves into self:abandon#ent. The ability to stay

su&&ortively &resent to all of one8s o%n inner e'&erience gradually disa&&ears.

We can gradually deconstruct the self:abandoning habit of reacting to de&ression

%ith fear and sha#e, inner critic 1freak out1, and )F acting out. The &rocesses

described in this article and #y &a&er0 1Managing 4#otional Flashbacks in Co#&le'

TS!1see link for this article0 H Ste&s for Managing Flashbacks a%aken the

&syche8s innate, develoentally arrested ca&acity to res&ond a#elioratively to

de&ression and the fear and sha#e that attaches to it. 5t is a long diIcult journey

ho%ever, for even %ithout attach#ent trau#a, feelings of fear and de&ression are

diIcult to acce&t and %eather.

The nor#alcy of de&ression

We live in a culture that judges fear as des&icable, and de&ression as an un&atriotic

violation of the 1&ursuit of ha&&iness1. Taboos about de&ression even e#anate fro#the &sychological establish#ent, %here so#e schools stri& it of its status as a

legiti#ate e#otion : dis#issing it si#&listically as #ere negative thinking, or as a

dysfunctional state that results fro# the re&ression of less taboo e#otions like

sadness and anger. 5 believe %e #ust learn to distinguish de&ressed thinking :

%hich can be eli#inated : fro# de&ressed feelings : %hich #ust so#eti#es be felt.

9ccasional feelings of enervation and anhedonia are nor#al and e'istential : &art of


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the ad#ission &rice to life. Moreover, de&ression is so#eti#es an invaluable

harbinger of the need to slo% do%n, to dro& interiorly into a &lace that at least

allo%s us to restore and recharge, and at best unfolds into our dee&est

intuitiveness. 9ne recurring gift that ty&ically co#es cloaked in de&ression is an

invitation to gro% that necessitates relin/uishing a for#erly treasured job or

relationshi& that has no% beco#e obsolete or #oribund. 9verreaction to de&ressionessentially reinforces learned to'ic sha#e. 5t reinforces the individual8s notion that,

%hen de&ressed, he is un%orthy, defective and unlovable. Sadly this ty&ically drives

hi# dee&er into abandon#ent:e'acerbating isolation. !ee& level recovery fro#

childhood trau#a re/uires a nor#ali-ation of de&ression, a renunciation of the habit

of re;e'ively reacting to it. Central to this is the develoent of a ca&acity to stay

in one8s body, to stay fully &resent to all internal e'&erience, to stay acce&tingly

o&en to one8s e#otional, visceral and so#atic e'&eriences %ithout )F acting out.

enouncing this kind of self:abandon#ent is a journey that often feels frustratingly

Sisy&hean. 5t is a labor of self:love and a self:nurturing &rocess of the highest order,

but it can feel like an ordeal re&lete %ith uns&ectacular redundancy : %ith countless,

#enial e'&eriences of noticing, na#ing and disidentifying fro# the unhel&ful

internal overreactions that de&ression triggers in us.

A relational a&&roach to healing abandon#ent

5 a# a relational thera&ist, because 5 believe this journey re/uires re&arative

relational e'&erience. 7ealing Co#&le' TS! and the attach#ent disorder that

ty&ically acco#&anies it is an inter&ersonal journey %hich needs to be initiated and

she&herded by a thera&ist, &artner or trusted friend %ho has the ca&acity to stay

unreactively &resent to their o%n de&ression and the various a@ects that attach toit. When a thera&ist has this level of e#otional intelligence, she can guide the client

to gradually release the learned habit of auto#atic a@ect:rejection and

overreaction. A key o&eration here a&&ears to de&end on the eye and ear contact of

a bi:he#is&heric brain &rocess !aniel Siegel calls 1the co:regulation of a@ect1. Safe

and e#&athic eye and voice connection %ith an individual %ith 1good enough1

e#otional intelligence &rovides a %orking #odel and a 1li#bic resonance1 to hel&

her stay unreactively &resent to her de&ression and the fear that attaches to it.

This, in turn, &ro#otes the integration of right and left brain functioning : hel&ing

the client to feel and think si#ultaneously and egosyntonically. Moreover, as Susan

aughan8s book0 The Talking Cure avers, such %ork a&&ears to &ro#ote thedeveloent of the inner neural circuitry necessary to healthily #anage and

integrate de&ression and its attenuated a@ects.

?uiding the client into so#atic #indfulness


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Thera&ists can teach clients the &ractice of 1&aying1 non:reactive, self:acce&ting

attention to their o%n a@ects. Behaviorally, this entails staying a%are of, focused on

and &resent to the so#atic e'&erience of the abandon#ent de&ression. Ty&ically,

this &rocess is indirect at 6rst because de&ression so co##only and instantly

#or&hs into the hy&eraroused sensations of fear. 4arly %ork then &ri#arily involves

staying &resent to the kinesthetic sensations of fear and noticing the &syche8s&enchant to dissociate or distract fro# the#. !issociation can be either the classical

right brain distraction of s&acing out into reverie, fantasy, T3co#&uter trance,

fogginess or slee& : or it can be the left brain, cognitive dissociation of beco#ing

distracted in obsessive thinking. articularly nefarious here is the inner critic8s

&enchant for dissociating fro# and reacting to de&ression and fear %ith to'ic

cognitions and reveries of endanger#ent and &erfectionis#. 9ver and over, the

client needs to be guided to rescue hi#self fro# dissociation left and3or right, and

to gently bring his a%areness back into fully feeling and e'&eriencing the sensations

of his fear and noticing his reactions to it. Sensations of fear #ay range fro# si#&le

tension and #uscular tightness any%here in the body, es&ecially the ali#entary

canal : to nauseous, ju#&y, %ired feelings and shocks of electri6cation : to

shortness of breath, hy&erventilation and diarrhea, %hen it is at its %orst. Although

these sensations ty&ically feel unbearable at 6rst, &ersistent focusing on the# %ith

non:judg#ental, non:esche%ing a%areness eventually lessens and /uiets the#.

7eld non:reactively enough, they are see#ingly dissolved, digested and integrated

by a%areness itself.

5t is i#&ortant to note here that this ty&e of kinesthetic focusing often triggers

#e#ories and un%orked through feelings of grief about the client8s abuse and

neglect in his original abandon#ent. This &rovides #any invaluable o&&ortunities to

a#eliorate TS! by #ore fully grieving the losses of childhood. Thera&ists can alsouse the results of such e'&lorations to foster the creation of an egosyntonic and

self:co#&assionate narrative that deconstructs the sha#e and self:bla#e the TS!

client ty&ically assigns to her su@ering. 5 describe a safe, eIcacious &rocess for this

ty&e of grief %ork in #y book0 The Tao 9f Fully Feeling0 7arvesting Forgiveness 9ut

of Bla#e. With considerable &ractice, the client eventually begins to e'hu#e, fro#

his fear, an a%areness of the #ore ele#ental, underlying sensations of de&ression :

sensations e'ceedingly subtle and barely &erce&tible at 6rst. These sensations are

initially as diIcult to stay &resent to as they are to 6nd. With guided ongoing

&ractice ho%ever, focused attending also digests the# as they are integrated into

consciousness. As &ractice beco#es #ore &ro6cient, these feelings and sensations

of de&ression so#eti#es #or&h into a sense of &eace, rela'ation and ease. Such

rela'ation can even, over ti#e, o&en into a continuu# of inner &eace that #ay

stretch fro# &rofound e/uani#ity to that &lace of unsur&assable &eace that various

4astern &undits describe as the ?reat oid or Subli#e othingness.

5nner So#atic Work


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Thera&eutic gains in di#inishing auto#atic self:abandon#ent in the face of fear or

de&ression are aug#ented by individual intros&ective %ork. 5n #y &ersonal

discovery of this skill, 5 s&ent over an hour a day in #editation %ith #y a%areness

yo:yo vacillating bet%een #y body and #y #ind : bet%een tense sensations of fear

and the #yriad disturbing #entations of #y inner critic. These drastici-ing thoughts

and visuali-ations %ere #y critic8s out#oded historical inter&retations that #yfeelings and sensations #eant that 5 %as in i##inent danger of the abandon#ent

of attack or neglect. My critic e'coriated #e incessantly to strive for safety through

&roductivity and &erfection. 5n the 6rst year of this &ractice 5 fre/uently had to

%hite:knuckle the handles on #y chair to stay so#atically &resent to #y feelings :

to break #y adrenalin addiction, to sto& #yself fro# launching into #y &referred )F

;ight res&onse. 5 had survived #y childhood %ith A!7!:like busyness : %ith

#arathons of activity that ke&t #e one ste& ahead of #y fear: and sha#e:stained

de&ression. ?radually as 5 used #y focused a%areness to digest #y fear, 5

e'&erientially discovered the rock botto# underlying core sensations of #y

abandon#ent de&ression itself. 9ver and over 5 focused on sensations of heaviness,

s%ollenness, e'haustion, e#&tiness, hunger, longing, soreness, ache:iness,

deadness. So#eti#es these sensations %ere intense, but #ore often they %ere very

subtle. With ti#e 5 noticed ho% instantly #y de&ression scared #e and lead #e to

echo #y &arents8 to'ic sha#ing0 12ou8re bad, %orthless, useless, defective, ugly,

des&icable1. Blessedly, %ith ongoing &ractice, 5 gradually learned to disidentify fro#

the to'ic vocabulary of the critic. 5 found #yself #ore accurately na#ing these

revisited childhood feelings0 1S#all, hel&less, lonely, unsu&&orted, unloved, needy1

as in &rofoundly unsuccessful in getting #y needs for e#otional co#fort #et.

Ca#ou;aged !e&ression

Feelings of de&ression so#eti#es #i#ic gna%ings of hunger, es&ecially the

e#otions of abandon#ent %hich co##only #as/uerade as &hysiological

sensations. Feeling very hungry a hour or t%o after a big #eal is an al#ost certain

signal of abandon#ent feelings and not real hunger. As #uch as this hunger

a&&ears to be about food, it is actually an e#otional hunger : an e#otional longing

for safe, nurturing connection and for the satiation of abandon#ent. 4ven after a

decade of &ractice, 5 still 6nd it diIcult to di@erentiate this ty&e of attach#ent

hunger fro# &hysical hunger. 9ne, often, reliable clue is that the sensation of

longing for the nourish#ent of attach#ent is usually in #y s#all intestine, %hile&hysical hunger8s locus is a little higher u& in #y sto#ach. 5 believe the e'tre#e

longing for se' and3or love ty&ical of se' and love addiction can si#ilarly be an

encounter %ith our abandon#ent de&ression, es&ecially %hen no a#ount of

a@ection or se'ual attention fro# another see#s to 6ll the void of longing.


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9n a &arallel %ith false hunger, feeling tired is so#eti#es an e#otional e'&erience

of the abandon#ent de&ression, and entirely unrelated to slee& de&rivation :

although over ti#e the t%o can easily beco#e confusingly intert%ined. The

e#otional tiredness of not resting enough in the co#fort of safe attach#ent and

belonging, often #as/uerades as &hysiological tiredness. When our abandon#ent

de&ression is unre#ediated, any kind of tiredness : e#otional or &hysical :co##only triggers us into fear, %hich the inner critic translates into endanger#ent

and i#&erfection, and the acco#&anying adrenali-ation launches us into one of the

)F res&onses.

seudo:Cyclothy#ia

5t is a sad irony that reacting to e#otional tiredness in this %ay can eventually

e'acerbate it into real &hysical e'haustion via a &rocess 5 call the The Cyclothy#ic

T%o:Ste&. TS! su@erers %ith a &ri#ary or secondary ;ight res&onse fre/uentlyoverreact to their tiredness %ith %orkaholic or busyholic action. They run so

co#&ulsively fro# their de&ression, that they eventually e'haust the#selves

&hysically, and at ti#es beco#e too de&leted or sick to continue running. When this

occurs, they colla&se into an e'&erience of abandon#ent so &ainful, that they re:

launch des&erately into 1;ight1 s&eed at the 6rst sign of re&lenished adrenalin. 5

have %itnessed a nu#ber of such clients #isdiagnose the#selves as bi&olar

because of the e'tre#es that ensue fro# des&erately &ursuing the adrenalin high

and esche%ing the abandon#ent lo%.

Adrenali-ation often beco#es addictive because it self:#edicates and counteracts

the e#otional tiredness that e#anates fro# undigested and un%orked through

abandon#ent feelings. 4s&ecially note%orthy here is the endless and e'&ensive

journey that #any survivors undergo trying to re#edy e#otional tiredness %ith

&hysiologically:based #edical treat#ents. 4ven %orse, the short:lived if any

i#&rove#ents of such an a&&roach increasingly aug#ents the sha#e and self:hate

of the su@erer over ti#e0 1What8s %rong %ith #e. 58ve changed everything in #y

diet and in #y slee& and e'ercise schedule. 58ve seen every ty&e of &ractitioner

i#aginable and 5 a# still %aking u& feeling dead tired.1 5t is a subtle, hard ac/uired

skill, but learning to self:co#&assionately focus on the ine'orable so#atic

e'&eriences of so#eti#es feeling tired, bad, lonely, or de&ressed is the only %ayout of this cul:de:sac of self:destructive and un%arranted e@orting. 5n this regard,

the notable AA * Ste& acrony#, 7A$T : 7ungry, Angry, $onely, Tired : can re#ind

us to sto& and &ause intros&ectively to deter#ine %hether our abandon#ent

de&ression has been triggered and needs the /uiet, internal, self:co#&assionate

attention described above.


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We can so#eti#es gain #otivation for this diIcult %ork by seeing our de&ressed

feelings as #essages fro# our develoentally arrested child %ho is ;ashing back

to his abandon#ent in ho&es that his adult self %ill res&ond to hi# in a #ore

co#forting, co#&assionate and a&&ro&riate %ay.

Through such &ractice, clients can gradually achieve the healing that the Buddhists

call se&arating necessary su@ering nor#al de&ression fro# unnecessary su@ering

the internal ho&elessness, sha#e and fear, and the life:constricting acting out that

ensues fro# unnecessary engage#ents %ith the critic and the )F8s.

"nderstanding ChildrenJs 4#otions0 ride and Sha#e

Children need to kno% that %e are &roud of the#.

ublished on May ), *+* by Kenneth Barish, h.!. in ride and (oy

H

inShare

e#ail

!iscussions of childrenJs #otivations and behavior too often overlook the

i#&ortance of feelings of &ride and sha#e. A childJs need to feel &roud, and to

avoid feelings of sha#e, is a funda#ental #otivation, and re#ains funda#ental,

throughout her life. 5t %ould be diIcult to overesti#ate the i#&ortance of these

e#otions in the &sychological develoent : and e#otional health : of our children.

Sha#e is our instinctive res&onse to &ersonal failure or inade/uacy, es&ecially the

&ublic e'&osure of inade/uacy. 4#barrass#ent is a te#&orary and #ild for# ofsha#eD hu#iliation, aloneness, and self:hatred are severe for#s of sha#e.

Children e'&erience feelings of sha#e %hen they su@er any social rejectionD %hen

they are unable to learnD %hen they are defeated in co#&etitionD %hen they are

bullied, insulted, or tauntedD and %hen they seek acce&tance and a&&roval fro#


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ad#ired adults but are, instead, subjected to criticis# or derogation. When children

tell us that they are an'ious, they are often an'ious about the &ossibility of feeling

asha#ed.

elated $inks

!onJt Tell 2our Children TheyJre Co#&etent

= L!angerous Things arents Should !o to Their Children

What !o 2our 4'&ectations Co##unicate to 2our ChildrenN

arenting0 The Sad Misuse of Self:estee#

5s Bla#ing arents for 1Failure to $aunch1 a ed 7erringN

Find a Thera&ist

Search for a #ental health &rofessional near you.

Find $ocal0

Acu&uncturists

Chiro&ractors

Massage Thera&ists

!entists

and #oreE

Children %ith diIculties in #otor coordination or delays in language develoent

e'&erience sha#e early in childhood. So#e%hat later, diIculties in learning,

es&ecially in learning to read, al%ays evoke in children a dee& feeling of sha#e. 5n

childhood, sha#e leads to avoidance and %ithdra%al and then, in adolescence, to

des&erate atte#&ts to alleviate, or get rid of, this &ainful state of #ind. Manye'&eriences that evoke a feeling of sha#e for e'a#&le, e'&eriences of e'clusion or

ridicule are uni/uely &ainful, and the feeling of sha#e, &erha&s #ore than any

other e#otion, stays %ith us.


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5 can still recall, #ore vividly and &oignantly than 5 %ould like, #o#ents of sha#e

fro# #any years ago %hen, as a son and as a father, 5 let #y &arents and #y

children do%n. Although 5 have long since been forgiven for these &ersonal failures,

#y #e#ories are still &ainful. Thankfully, 5 a# able to &ut these #o#ents in

&ers&ectiveD they are no% #ore than balanced by #o#ents of &ride. 5n this %ay, %e

should also hel& our children &ut in &ers&ective their o%n #o#ents ofe#barrass#ent and failure.

When children are successful and feel &roud, they instinctively look to others. When

they fail and feel asha#ed, they look a%ay. This is in the nature of &ride and sha#e.

The universal behavior associated %ith the e#otion of sha#e is conceal#entD %e all

atte#&t to hide or cover u& %hat %e are asha#ed of. ride is the antithesis of

sha#e. The feeling of &ride is acco#&anied by an out%ard #ove#ent and a desire

to sho% and tell others, to e'hibit or sho% o@. ride is e'&ansive, both in action and

in our i#agination. Sha#e contracts, in our &osture our shoulders fall in and %elook do%n%ard and a%ay and in our thoughts and i#aginationOin our setting of

goals and in %hat %e consider &ossible for ourselves.

A childJs e'&ectation of feeling &roud or asha#ed therefore decisively in;uences

her choices : those situations she actively seeks and those she avoids. Sha#e : our

e#otional res&onse to e'clusion and failure : lo%ers as&irations. ride O our

e#otional res&onse to acce&tance and success O raises as&irations. The

evolutionary &sychologist ?lenn Weisfeld succinctly e'&lains, LWe antici&ate &ride

and sha#e at every turn and sha&e our behavior accordingly.

4s&ecially, children %ant their &arents to share in their &ride and to be &roud of

the#. 9ur childrenJs feeling : their inner certainty : that %e are &roud of the# is an

essential good feeling, an anchor that sustains the# in #o#ents of

discourage#ent, aloneness, and defeat. 9ur feeling that our &arents are &roud of us

is a #otivating and sustaining force throughout our lives, and a &rotective factor in

the e#otional lives of our children. The o&&osite is also true. arental scorn is

a#ong the #ost dee&ly destructive forces in the &sychological develoent of any

child.

When, as &arents, %e fail to e'&ress &ride in our children, %hen %e are fre/uently

dis#issive, critical, or disa&&roving, our children %ill be #ore vulnerable to

e#otional and behavioral &roble#s of all kinds. They %ill live, #ore than they

should, %ith discourage#ent and resent#ent. These feelings %ill then co#e to be


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e'&ressed in so#e %ay, &erha&s as de6ance and rebellion, or as a failure of

initiative, or as an inability to sustain e@ort to%ard long:ter# goals.

We therefore need to let our children kno%, as often as %e can, that %e are &roud of

the# O for their e@ort and for their acco#&lish#ents. And %e should not be afraid

to Ls&oil the# %ith this for# of &raise.

Co&yright Ken Barish, h.!.

Abandonul Si Rusinea

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