glume cu biologi.doc

8/17/2019 glume cu biologi.doc

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Two biologists are in the field following the tracks of a radio-collared

grizzly bear. All of a sudden, the bear crashes out of the brush and heads

right for them. They scramble up the nearest tree, but the bear startsclimbing up the tree after them. The first biologist starts taking off his heavy

leather hiking boots and pulls a pair of sleek running shoes from his back-

pack. The second biologist gives him a puzzled look and says, "What in the

world are you doing"

!e replies, " figure when the bear gets close to us, we#ll $ump down and

make a run for it."

The second guy says, "Are you crazy We both know you can#t outrun a

full-grown grizzly bear."

The first guy says, " don#t have to outrun the bear, only have to outrun

you%"

A doctor, an engineer, and a fungal ta&onomist arrived at The 'early (ates.

The doctor said how he#d healed the sick, helped the lame) but he was a

sinner and was sent to !ell.

The engineer told how he#d built homes for the homeless, etc.) but he

messed up the environment, so he was sent to !ell.

The fungal ta&onomist was frightened by all this, but as soon as he

mentioned his occupation, (od said "*ou#ve already been thru !ell,

Welcome to !eaven."

A biologist phones his wife from his office and says, "!oney, something has

$ust come up, realize its not my field season, but have to visit my fieldsite for a week. +o, would you pack my clothes, my field euipment and my

blue silk pa$amas #ll be home in hour to pick them up."

A week later he returned. "id you have a good trip, dear" his wife asked.

"/h, it was $ust a typical field trip, you know, work work work," he

e&claimed, and added "0ut you forgot to pack my blue silk pa$amas."

"1o didn#t," she replied. " put them in the bo& of field euipment%"

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The teacher asks, "2essica, what part of the human body increases ten times

when e&cited"

2essica blushes and says, "That#s disgusting, won#t even answer thatuestion."

The teacher calls on 2ohnny3 "What part of the human body increases tentimes when e&cited"

"That#s easy," says 2ohnny. "t#s the pupil of the eye."

"4ery good, 2ohnny," responds the teacher. "That#s correct."

+he then turns to 2essica and says, "5irst, you didn#t made your homework.

+econd, you have a dirty mind. And third, you#re in for a 0(

disappointment."

A couple of biologist had twins, one they called 2ohn and the other - control.

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "!ow was

born"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought you tous."

"/h," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born"

"/h, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born" the boy persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too%" said the mother, by now starting

to suirm a little.

+everal days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with

confusion the opening sentence3 "This report has been very difficult to write

due to the fact that there hasn#t been a natural childbirth in my family forthree generations."

!ow do you tell the difference between boys and girls

Take their genes down.







!ow do you eat a 1A spaghetti

With a replication fork 6you can also use your zinc fingers...7

0iology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as

division.

f arwin was right you will probably figure it out in a few million years.

/ne day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orang-utang was reading two books

-- the 0ible and arwin#s /rigin of +pecies. n surprise he asked the ape,

"Why are you reading both those books"

"Well," said the orang-utang, " $ust wanted to know if was my brother#s

keeper or my keeper#s brother."

A biologist was interested in studying how far bullfrogs can $ump. !e

brought a bullfrog into his laboratory, set it down, and commanded, "2ump,

frog, $ump%"

The frog $umped across the room.

The biologist measured the distance, then noted in his $ournal, "5rog with

four legs $umped eight feet."

Then he cut the frog#s front legs off. Again he ordered, "2ump, frog, $ump%"The frog struggled a moment, then $umped a few feet.

After measuring the distance, the biologist noted in his $ournal, "5rog with

two legs $umped three feet."

1e&t, the biologist cut off the frog#s back legs. /nce more, he shouted,

"2ump, frog, $ump%"

The frog $ust lay there."2ump, frog, $ump%" the biologist repeated.

1othing.

The biologist noted in his $ournal, "5rog with no legs - lost its hearing."








A boy frog telephones the 'sychic !otline and his 'ersonal 'sychic Advisor

tells him3 "*ou are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to

know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great% Will meet her at a party"

"1o," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."

he Difference Between Dogs and Cats

A dog thinks3 !ey, these people live with feed me, love me, provide mewith a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... They must

be gods%

A cat thinks3 !ey, these people live with feed me, love me, provide me

with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... must be

a god%

What are the four food groups

5or bachelors3 5ast, 5rozen, 2unk and +poiled.

5or drinkers3 8alt, !ops, 0arley and *east.5or heavies3 9affeine, 5at, +ugar, 9hocolate.

While driving down a steep and curvy logging road, a group of biologists

loose control of their :-wd "2immy" and careen down the hill. The truck

piles up at the bottom of the canyon, and everyone aboard perishes.

+uprisingly, they all go to heaven. At an orientation they are asked, "When

you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning about your

death, what would you like to hear them say about you"

The first guy, a well known botanist says, " would like to hear them say that was one of the greatest botanists of my time, and left an eternal

contribution to the botanical world."

The second guy, an ornithologist, says, " would like to hear that was a

wonderful birder and made a huge difference in the recovery of our bird

populations."

The last guy, a scruffy mammalogist, replies, " would like to hear them

say... #;//<, !=#+ 8/41(%%%# "

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology testthe ne&t day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds







on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. !e sat right

on the front row because he wanted to do the best $ob possible. The

professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legsand give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc.

The student looked at each set of bird legs. They all looked the same to him.

!e began to get upset. !e had stayed up all night studying, and now had to

identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got.

5inally, he could stand it no longer. !e went up to the professor#s desk and

said, "What a stupid test% !ow could anyone tell the difference between

birds by looking at their legs" With that the student threw his test on the

professor#s desk and walked out the door.

The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn#t know every

student#s name, so as the student reached the door the professor called,

"8ister, what#s your name"

The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "*ou guess, buddy%

*ou guess%"

When a problem gets to complicated for the physicists, they hand the

problem to the chemists.

When a problem gets to complicated for the chemists, it is handed over to

the biologists.

And when biologists think it is too complicated, they give the problem to the

sociologists.

!ow do you identify a bald eagle

All his feathers are combed over to one side.

=nzymes are things invented by biologists that e&plain things which

otherwise reuire harder thinking.

Biology Revisited

• When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you e&pire.

• 8ushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like

umbrellas.

• Thesaurus is an ancient reptile with an e&cellent vocabulary.

• t has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

• 0efore giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative

or negative.

• (enetics e&plain why you look like your father and if you don#t why

you should.







• ew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and

makes them perspire.

• +terility is hereditary3 f your grandfather didn#t have children and

your father didn#t have children, you won#t have children too.

• ;ife is a se&ually transmitted disease.

How biologists do it...

0iologists do it with clones.

0otanists do it in the bushes.

>oologists do it with animals..

!ow many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb

/nly one, but it takes eight million years.

!ow many biologists does it take to change a light bulb

5our. /ne to change it and three to write the environmental-impact

statement



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