PARENTING_StartMakingItLivableForEveryone_[ngo336]_RO.pdf

Asociaia Romn pentru Custodia Comun

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Titlul original: Start Making It Livable for Everyone - SMILE Autor: N/A Traducere din limba: Englez Titlul n limba romn: ncepei s facei totul acceptabil pentru toat lumea Documentul n lb. Englez: https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B-iOqOKLc35PelVmQVRVa0lzNGs/edit Documentul n lb. Romn: https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B-iOqOKLc35PeXNiM2N6eDJoNDA Tradus de ctre: Nicu Dinuta Revizuit de ctre: TBD Supra-revizuire: TBD Versiunea current: V2 Istoric versiuni: V1 tradus de ctre Nicu Dinuta, Oct. 2012

V2 machetare Blan Raluca, Nov. 2012 Machetare: Blan Raluca Istoricul documentului: N/A Referina curent: [ngo336]

Start Making It Livable for Everyone Programul SMILE

Each year countless parents separate in the United States. Whether this is by divorce or the parents were never married, people feel alone and wonder how anyone else has lived through it.

n fiecare an numeroi prini se separ n Statele Unite. Fie c fac acest lucru prin divor, fie c prinii nu au fost niciodat cstorii, oamenii se simt singuri i se ntreab cum au trecut alte persoane prin acest lucru.

Start Making It Livable for Everyone (SMILE), is a program for separating parents with minor children.

Start Making It Livable for Everyone (SMILE), este un program pentru prinii separai cu copii minori.

The developers of this program have worked with hundreds of separated families having difficulties with time-sharing, parenting roles, and other divorce/separation-related issues. This program will provide some information about the effects of divorce/separation and what parents can do to make the divorce/separation situation livable.

Iniiatorii acestui proiect au lucrat cu sute de familii separate care ntmpin dificulti cu mprirea timpului, rolurile parentale i alte chestiuni cu privire la divor/separare. Acest program va furniza cteva informaii despre consecinele divorului/separrii i ce pot face prinii pentru a face situaia divorului/separrii suportabil.

INTRODUCTION INTRODUCERE

This booklet for separating parents has three goals:

Aceast brour cu privire la separarea prinilor are trei obiective:

1. to provide information to help parents better understand the effects of divorce/separation;

1. S furnizeze informaii pentru a ajuta prinii s neleag mai bine efectele divorului/separrii;

2. to help parents understand the needs of their children; and

2. S ajute prinii s neleag nevoile copiilor lor; i

3. to promote children's healthy adjustment to divorce/separation.

3.S promoveze o adaptare sntoas a copiilor la divor/separare.


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The information has been drawn from the experience of the developers of the SMILE program and other professionals in the field of divorce/separation.

Informaia a fost rezumat din experiena dezvoltatorilor programului SMILE i a altor profesioniti n domeniul divorului/separrii.

Because each divorce/separation and family situation is unique, readers are encouraged to consult other services available to separated parents and their children. These include psychological services, legal services, parent support groups, emergency services, family court mediation services, conflict resolution and mediation agencies and books or articles relating to divorce and separation.

Deoarece fiecare divor/separare i situaie familial este unic(), cititorii sunt ncurajai s consulte alte servicii disponibile pentru prinii separai i copiii lor. Acestea includ servicii psihologice, servicii legale, grup suport printe, servicii de urgen, servicii de mediere dreptul familiei, soluionarea conflictelor i agenii de mediere i cri sau articole cu privire la divor i separare.

ABOUT DIVORCE/SEPARATION DESPRE DIVOR/SEPARARE

Divorce/separation brings change. Every family member must adapt to a new way of living. The more parents know about divorce/separation, the better they are able to cope with the changes and help their children adjust.

Divorul/Separarea Aduce Schimbare. Fiecare Membru Al Familiei Trebuie S Se Adapteze Unui Alt Mod De Via. Cu Ct Prinii tiu Mai Multe Despre Divor/Separare cu att mai bine pot face fa schimbrilor i i pot ajuta copiii s se adapteze.

DIVORCE/SEPARATION IS PAINFUL. DIVORUL/SEPARAREA ESTE DUREROS/DUREROAS

Children feel hurt and helpless when parents separate. They are emotionally attached to both parents, and most children want their parents to stay together. When divorce/separation occurs, children, as well as parents, go through a grieving process, which engenders feelings of disbelief, anger, sadness, and depression.

Copiii se simt rnii i neajutorai cnd prinii se separ. Copiii sunt ataai emoional de ambii prini i majoritatea vrea ca prinii s stea mpreun. Atunci cnd are loc divorul/separarea, copiii, ct i prinii trec printr-un proces de suferin care d natere la sentimente de nencredere, furie, tristee i depresie.

Children experience a number of losses, including the loss of important relationships with family members and friends, changes in environment, loss of traditions established by the intact family, and loss of what the children themselves were like before the breakup of the family.

Copiii experimenteaz un numr de pierderi inclusiv pierderea relaiilor importante cu membrii familiei i prietenii, schimbri n mediu, pierderea tradiiilor stabilite de ctre familia intact, i pierderea a ceea ce erau copiii nii nainte de desprirea familiei.

Parents experience hurt and helplessness Prinii experimenteaz durere i neajutorare cu


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from what happened during the relationship, events that occurred at the time of divorce/separation, and the divorce/separation process. Divorce and divorce/separation is an extremely difficult time, and parents tend to blame each other for problems. They sometimes do and say terrible things to each other and are unaware of the negative impact their behavior has on their children.

privire la ceea ce s-a ntmplat n timpul relaiei, evenimente care au avut loc n timpul divorului/ separrii, i procesul de divor/separare. Divorul/separarea este un moment extrem de dificil i prinii tind s se nvinoveasc unul pe cellalt pentru toate problemele. Acetia uneori i fac i i spun lucruri teribile i nu sunt contieni de impactul negativ pe care l are comportamentul lor asupra copiilor lor.

Legal aspects of divorce/separation are easier to deal with than the emotional upheaval of divorce/separation and the feelings that arise from the death of a relationship. Anger, disappointment, hurt, grief and a desire for revenge are some normal reactions.

Aspectele legale ale divorului/separrii sunt mai uor de manevrat dect rsturnarea emoional a divorului/ separrii i sentimentele care apar din ncetarea unei relaii. Furia, dezamgirea, durerea, suferina i o dorin de rzbunare sunt unele dintre reaciile normale.

Emotional turmoil can interfere with the mom and dad roles even though the significant other roles have ended.

Tulburrile emoionale pot interfera cu rolurile de mam i tat chiar dac celelalte roluri semnificative au luat sfrit.

HOW CHILDREN COME THROUGH THE DIVORCE / SEPARATION

MODUL N CARE TREC COPIII PRIN DIVOR/SEPARARE

is due in large measure to the parents' relationship after the divorce/separation and the parents' relationships with their children. Parents' attitudes and actions make a big difference in how children adjust to divorce/separation. Parents may not be able to be friends after the divorce/separation.

se datoreaz n mare msur relaiei prinilor dup divor/separare i relaia prinilor cu copiii lor. Atitudinile i aciunile prinilor fac o mare diferen n felul n care se adapteaz copiii la divor/separare. E posibil ca prinii s nu fie capabili s fie prieteni dup divor/ separare.

However, the unfinished business of raising their children can be productive if the parents are civil and business-like in their dealings with each other and promote positive relationship with their children.

Oricum, treaba neterminat de a-i crete copiii poate fi productiv dac prinii se comport civilizat i cu sim practic n rezolvarea problemelor unul cu cellalt i s promoveze o relaie pozitiv cu copiii lor.

HOW PARENTS FEEL CUM SE SIMT PRINII

When parents separate or divorce, it may take months or years for feelings to change. While the grief process in adjusting to the death of a relationship can be different for each person, most people gradually pass

Cnd prinii se separ sau divoreaz, pot trece luni sau ani pn cnd sentimentele se schimb. n vreme ce procesul de suferin pentru adaptarea la ncetarea unei relaii poate fi diferit pentru fiecare persoan, majoritatea trece treptat


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through several stages. The stages may occur in any order, and some people may deal with the issues more than once. Children also experience the grief process when parents separate or divorce.

prin diverse etape. Etapele pot avea loc n orice ordine, i unele persoane pot nfrunta problemele mai mult de o dat. Copiii trec de asemenea prin procesul de suferin atunci cnd prinii se separ sau divoreaz.

DENIAL: In the beginning, it may be hard to believe that the relationship is over. Denial protects against shock. It insulates from fear about the loss of the relationship and the feelings of rejection, loneliness and depression. Some people react by becoming withdrawn and isolated. Others become highly active to block out the pain.

NEGARE: la nceput, poate fi greu de crezut c relaia a luat sfrit. Negarea protejeaz mpotriva ocului. Apare din frica de pierdere a relaiei i din sentimentele de respingere, singurtate i depresie.Unele persoane reacioneaz devenind retrase i izolate. Altele devin foarte active pentru a bloca durerea.

BARGAINING: Thoughts surface about the ways that the relationship may be saved. A parent may ask the other parent to become involved in counseling, to stop engaging in some behavior or to participate in activities together. Some people may make a deal with themselves to do something they believe will save the relationship or help them overcome the loss of the relationship. Children may promise parents to do chores or be good to try to save the relationship.

NEGOCIEREA: Capacitatea de gndire la suprafa despre modurile n care relaia poate salvat. Un printe e posibil s cear celuilalt printe s se implice n consiliere, s nceteze s se mai angajeze n anumite comportamente sau s participe la activiti mpreun. Unele persoane s-ar putea s fac o nelegere cu ele nsele pentru a face ceva s salveze relaia s se ajute s depeasc pierderea relaiei. Copiii e posibil s promit prinilor s-i ndeplineasc sarcinile sau s fie buni pentru a ncerca s salveze relaia.

ANGER: The realization hits that needs have not been met in the relationship. Anger surfaces. Anger may be directed toward ones self or others.

FURIA: Realizarea c nevoile nu au fost satisfcute n relaie. Furia iese la suprafa. Furia poate fi direcionat ctre sine sau ctre alii.

DEPRESSION: Admitting the relationship is over brings sadness. Fear about being alone surfaces. These feelings are draining and can make it difficult to think about the future.

DEPRESIA: A admite c relaia a luat sfrit aduce tristee. Teama de a fi singur iese la suprafa. Aceste sentimente sunt epuizante i pot face s fie dificil gndirea la viitor.

ACCEPTANCE: In time, an adjustment to the changes that have occurred results in feeling better. Anger, grief and guilt dissolve, and a focus on the future becomes possible. Life is more stable and hope emerges.

ACCEPTAREA: n timp, o adaptare la schimbrile care au avut loc face persoana s se simt mai bine. Furia, suferina i vina dispar, i devine posibil concentrarea asupra unui viitor. Viaa este mult mai stabil i apare sperana.

HOW PARENTS CAN HELP THEMSELVES CUM POT PRINII S SE AJUTE PE EI NII

Parents face a number of problems when Prinii se confrunt cu un numr de probleme


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they separate. Divorce/separation brings them into new situations for which they may not have solutions. Some problems and how to handle them include

cnd se separ. Divorul/ separarea i aduce n situaii noi pentru care s-ar putea s nu aib soluii. Unele probleme i nfruntarea lor includ

BEING ON ONE'S OWN -- After years of togetherness, loneliness may set in. Activities that brought enjoyment may no longer be interesting. Parents may feel isolated. It helps to establish new patterns that make one feel OK.

A FI PE CONT PROPRIUDup ani de convieuire, s-ar putea instala singurtatea. Activitile care aduceau bucurie s-ar putea s nu mai fie interesante. Prinii s-ar putea simi izolai. Este de ajutor s stabilii tipare noi care ar putea s fac o persoan s se simt OK.

WHAT CAN PARENTS DO?

CE POT FACE PRINII?

Visit friends and family often, talk to them on the phone, and do things with them. Get involved in a support group to talk about the problems and solutions or go to counseling.

Pot s-i viziteze prietenii i familia adesea, s vorbeasc cu ei la telefon i s fac anumite lucruri cu ei. Pot s se implice ntr-un grup de susinere pentru a discuta de probleme i soluii sau pot merge la consiliere.

Expect that there will be times when nothing seems to be going right, but remember that things usually get better. Develop new interests or hobbies -- take classes, do volunteer work, join organizations, take walks, exercise, make new friends.

Trebuie s v ateptai ca uneori nimic s nu par c merge bine, dar amintii-v c lucrurile de obicei se mbuntesc. Dezvoltai interese noi sau hobby-uri facei cursuri, facei munc voluntar, alturai-v unor organizaii, facei plimbri, exerciii, facei-v noi prieteni.

HAVING LESS TIME FOR THE CHILDREN -- During divorce/separation, parents are trying to cope with changed and increased responsibilities and being on their own.This is also a time when the children need more affection and attention. There is too little of the parents to go around.

A PETRECE MAI PUIN CU COPIII -- Pe parcursul divorului/separrii, prinii ncearc s fac fa schimbrii i creterii responsabilitilor i singurtii. Acesta este de asemenea momentul n care copiii au nevoie de mai mult afeciune i atenie. Exist prea puin timp pentru ca prinii s se descurce.


CE POT FACE PRINII?

Ask family and friends for assistance. Be sure that each child has special attention and time. Find an activity that you both can enjoy. Leave or send notes of love and appreciation to the children. Ask friends and neighbors to help with child care or exchange childcare with them. Go for counseling or join a support group. Use lists to organize activities.

Putei cere ajutor de la familie i prieteni. Asigurai-v c fiecare copil primete atenie special i timpul necesar. Gsii o activitate de care s v bucurai amndoi. Lsai sau trimitei notie de dragoste i apreciere la copii. Cerei ajutor la prieteni sau vecini pentru ngrijirea copilului sau facei schimb cu acetia pentru ngrijirea copilului. Mergei la consiliere sau alturai-v unui grup de susinere.Folosii liste pentru a v organiza


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activitile. TAKING CARE OF THE HOME -- Whether the children live with a parent most of the time or a smaller part of the time, being a single parent is a challenge. The demands of the job and meeting the needs of the children are a burden for one adult. Home chores may seem like the last straw.

NGRIJIREA CASEI Chiar dac copiii locuiesc cu un printe majoritatea timpului sau doar o mic parte, a fi printe singur este o provocare. Cerinele job-ului i satisfacerea nevoilor copiilor sunt o povar pentru un adult. Treburile casei ar putea prea ca fiind ultima pictur.


CE POT FACE PRINII?

Let some things go or change regular routines to adjust to the demands. Divide the chores and let the children be responsible for taking care of possessions and their own rooms. Look into the possibility of using a cleaning service for a half-day to handle some of the chores. Allow the children to contribute to family problem solving.

Abandonai unele lucruri sau schimbai rutinele obinuite pentru a v adapta la cerine. mprii sarcinile i lsai copiii s fie responsabili pentru lucrurile lor i pentru propriile lor camere. Gndii-v la posibilitatea de a folosi un serviciu de curenie pentru jumtate de zi pentru a mai rezolva unele treburi.Permitei-le copiilor s contribuie la rezolvarea problemelor familiale.

HANDLING MONEY PROBLEMS -- After the divorce/separation, two separate homes must be maintained. Where previously there may have been two incomes, now there is one. It is hard to make ends meet.

ADMINISTRAREA PROBLEMELOR FINANCIARE Dup divor/separare, trebuie ntreinute dou case. Acolo unde n preceden erau dou venituri, acum este doar unul. Este greu s satisfacei toate nevoile.


CE POT FACE PRINII?

Look for free or inexpensive activities and entertainment. Make a budget and stick to it. Before starting a second family, remember obligations to t he first family. Find out about assistance programs -- food stamps, Medicaid.

Cutai activiti i distracii gratuite sau ieftine. Facei-v un buget i respectai-l. nainte de a ntemeia o a doua familie, amintii-v obligaiile pe care le avei fa de prima familie. Interesai-v de programele de asisten social bonuri de mas, asisten medical.

BALANCING PERSONAL TIME AND CHILDREN'S NEEDS -- At some point, parents may want to begin to socialize and meet new people. It makes life more enjoyable and makes it easier to handle problems. Children may feel left out, confused, or angry.

ECHILIBRUL NTRE TIMPUL PERSONAL I NEVOILE COPIILOR La un moment dat prinii s-ar putea s doreasc s socializeze i s ntlneasc persoane noi. Face viaa mai plcut i face mai uoar rezolvarea problemelor. Copiii s-ar putea s se simt abandonai, confuzi sau furioi.


CE POT FACE PRINII?

Let children know that they are loved and that parents as well as children need time to do things they enjoy. Do not expose children

Spunei-le copiilor c sunt iubii i c att prinii ct i copiii au nevoie de timp s fac lucruri de care s se bucure. Nu expunei copiii la relaii


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to casual relationships with members of the opposite sex. If a serious relationship develops, introduce the person slowly into the children's lives. Include the children in a social activity that everyone can enjoy.

temporare cu membri de sex opus. Dac se dezvolt o relaie serioas, introducei persoana ncet n vieile copiilor. Includei copiii ntr-o activitate social de care se poate bucura toat lumea.

HOW CHILDREN FEEL CUM SE SIMT COPIII

Parents divorce/separation is painful for children. The effects of divorce/ separation vary with children's ages and depend on the circumstances surrounding the split. While every child is different and may react in different ways to divorce/separation, there are some common reactions by age group that parents may see.

Divorul/separarea prinilor este dureros/dureroas pentru copii. Consecinele divorului/separrii variaz n funcie de vrsta copiilor i depind de circumstanele ce nconjoar desprirea. n vreme ce fiecare copil este diferit i poate reaciona n diverse moduri la divor/separare, sunt unele reacii comune pe grupul de vrst pe care prinii le pot observa.

YOUNG CHILDREN COPIII MICI

Preschool children live in a small world mostly made up of parents and family. They have not had many experiences. They react to what is happening in an emotional way and cannot understand the divorce/separation on an intellectual level. Divorce/separation is confusing and preschool children may be afraid that they will be abandoned or have nowhere to live. They cry, cling, or become demanding. They may blame themselves for the divorce/separation and feel guilty.

Copiii precolari triesc ntr-o lume mic n mare parte alctuit din prini i familie. Nu au avut multe experiene. Ei reacioneaz la ceea ce se ntmpl ntr-un mod emoional i nu pot nelege divorul/separarea la nivel intelectual. Divorul/separarea este confuz() i copiii precolari s-ar putea s se team c vor fi abandonai sau c nu vor avea unde s locuiasc. Acetia plng, devin lipicioi sau devin pretenioi. S-ar putea s se nvinoveasc pe ei nii pentru divor/separare i s se simt vinovai.

YOUNG TEENAGERS TINERII ADOLESCENI

Young teenagers are in a stage where they are going through rapid physical, social, and emotional growth. Often they are confused, moody and feel insecure. At times they may act like a little child by clinging or being demanding to parents. Other times they reject parents and attach to friends.

Tinerii adolesceni sunt n perioada n care trec printr-o cretere rapid fizic, social i emoional. Adesea sunt confuzi, capricioi i se simt nesiguri. Uneori s-ar putea s se comporte ca un copil mic fiind lipicioi de prini sau pretenioi cu acetia. Alte ori i resping pe prini i se ataeaz de prieteni.

When parents divorce/separate, early adolescents have more stress which may result in their feeling rejected and ashamed or angry at their parents to camouflage their sense of vulnerability. Problems with

Atunci cnd prinii divoreaz/se separ, adolescenii precoce au mai mult stres ce poate rezulta n sentimentele lor respinse i ruine sau furie fa de prini pentru a-i camufla sentimentul vulnerabilitii. Pot aprea probleme cu somnul,


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sleeping, health, school or friends may arise. When parents vie for their allegiance, loyalty conflicts result in guilt, depression and despair.

sntatea, coala sau prietenii. Cnd prinii concureaz pentru supunerea lor, loialitate, apar conflictele care se transform n vin, depresie i disperare.

ELEMENTARY AGE CHILDREN COPIII DE VRST ELEMENTAR

Children of ages 5-12 are expanding their world to include peers and school rather than just family. They react to what is happening by thinking about it and questioning. They worry about many things and believe in living by rules and that life is fair. Children may respond by feeling abandoned and insecure.

Copiii de vrst ntre 5-12 ani i extind lumea pentru a include semeni i coala nu doar familia. Ei reacioneaz la ceea ce se ntmpl gndindu-se la un lucru i punnd ntrebri. Se preocup de multe lucruri i cred n a tri dup reguli i c viaa este dreapt. Copiii s-ar putea s rspund simindu-se abandonai i nesiguri.

Because of the loss of one parent, they fear that something will happen to the parent with whom they live most of the time. Problems at school and with friends may surface. Younger children in this age group often feel very sad at the breakup of the family while the older children may have deep anger.

Datorit pierderii unui printe, se tem c ceva se va ntmpla celuilalt printe cu care ei locuiesc majoritatea timpului. S-ar putea s apar probleme cu privire la coal i prieteni. Copiii mai mici din acest grup de vrst se simt adesea foarte triti la desprirea familiei n vreme ce copiii mai n vrst s-ar putea s fie foarte furioi.

OLDER TEENAGERS ADOLESCENII MAI N VRST

This stage may be stormiest for the parent and child relationships. Older teenagers are trying on different roles and in the process of establishing their identities. Divorce/separation may make teenagers feel hurried to achieve independence when they aren't ready, and they become overwhelmed by unsolvable problems and feelings of incompetence.

Aceast vrst s-ar putea s fie ce mai furtunoas pentru relaiile dintre printe i copil. Adolescenii mai n vrst ncearc roluri diferite n procesul stabilirii identitilor lor. Divorul/separarea ar putea s fac copiii s se simt grbii s obin independena atunci cnd nu sunt pregtii, i devin copleii de problemele nerezolvate i sentimentele de incompeten.

Teenagers may test their parents' concern for them. This age group may become preoccupied with the survival of relationships and mourn the loss of the family of their childhood. They feel embarrassed and resentful toward parents who are perceived as giving their own needs priority.

Adolescenii s-ar putea s testeze grija prinilor fa de ei. Acest grup de vrst s-ar putea s devin preocupat de supravieuirea relaiei i s jeleasc pierderea familiei copilriei lor. Se simt ruinai i indignai fa de prinii lor care sunt percepui ca acordnd prioritate propriilor lor nevoi.

The following chart presents common reactions of children to divorce/ separation in broad terms. Some reactions may overlap age groups.

Diagrama urmtoare prezint reaciile comune ale copiilor la divor/separare n termeni largi. Unele reacii s-ar putea s coincid cu grupurile de vrst.


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AGE GROUP

COMMON REACTIONS

BABIES AND TODDLERS

Trouble sleeping Afraid to leave parent; clinging crankiness Crying Slowing down in learning new skills

CHILDREN, AGES 3-5 YEARS

Blame selves for divorce/separation and feel guilty Confusion Fear of abandonment Aggression, temper tantrums Return to security items. Lapses in toilet training. Try to convince selves all is OK. Emotionally needy


Sadness Crying and sobbing. Feel abandoned and rejected. Loyalty conflicts. Sense of helplessness. Hope parents reconcile. Anger


Deep anger. Physical complaints. Sense of loss. Shame. Resentment. Fear of loneliness. Divided loyalties--anger toward parent they blame for the divorce/ separation

TEENAGERS

Feelings of betrayal, anger, embarrassment Resentment. Hard to concentrate. Chronic fatigue. May feel hurried to achieve independence. May be overly dependent. May test parents' concern for them. May align with one parent. Worry about survival of relationships. Money worries

GRUP VRST

REACII COMUNE

BEBELUI I NCI

Probleme cu somnul. Teama de a pleca de lng printe: lipicios, irascibil. Plns. Lent n a cpta aptitudini noi

COPII DE 3-5 ANI

Se nvinovesc pentru divor/ separare i se Simt vinovai. Confuzie. Teama de abandon. Agresiune, schimbri. Negative de dispoziie. ntoarcerea la obiecte de siguran. Declin n nvarea la toalet. ncearc s se conving c totul este OK. Nevoiai emoional

COPII DE 6-8 ANI

Tristee. Plns i suspine. Se simte abandonat i respins. Conflicte de loialitate. Sim de neajutorare. Sper la reconciliere. Pentru prini. Furie

COPII 9-12 ANI Furie profund. Dureri fizice. Sentiment de pierdere, ruine, resentiment, teama de singurtate. Loialiti mprite Furie ctre printele pe care l consider vinovat de divor/separare

ADOLESCENI Sentimente de trdare.Furie. Jen. Resentiment. Greu s se concentreze. Oboseal cronic. S-ar putea s se simt grbii s-i obin Independena. S-ar putea s fie prea dependeni. S-ar putea s testeze grija prinilor pentru ei. S-ar putea s se alieze cu un printe Se teme de supravieuirea Relaiilor. Griji financiare


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HOW PARENTS CAN HELP THEIR CHILDREN

CUM POT PRINII S-I AJUTE COPIII

Divorce/separation often results in children feeling overwhelmed by the losses and changes they are experiencing. It takes time to adjust, and the time needed varies from child to child. Parents can help their children cope with the divorce/separation.

n urma divorului/separrii copiii adesea se simt copleii de ctre pierderile i schimbrile pe care le experimenteaz. Dureaz ceva vreme s se adapteze i timpul necesar variaz de la copil la copil. Prinii i pot ajuta copiii s fac fa divorului/separrii.

CHILDREN NEED PREDICTABILITY

COPIII NECESIT PREVIZIBILITATE

Children who can maintain regular routines are less likely to be overwhelmed by the change of divorce/separation. Parents should do their best to build and maintain healthy and smooth environments. Children need frequent and regular contacts with both parents.

Copiii care i pstreaz rutinele obinuite este mai puin probabil s fie copleii de schimbrile divorului/separrii. Prinii ar trebui s fac tot posibilul pentru a construi i menine medii sntoase i linitite. Copiii au nevoie de contact frecvent i regulat cu ambii prini.

Parents should be on time for the exchange of children for parenting time. This sets a good example for children and does not disrupt children's routines.

Prinii ar trebui s ajung la timp pentru schimbul copiilor pentru timpul parental. Acest lucru stabilete un exemplu bun pentru copii i nu ntrerupe rutinele copiilor.

Children need continued contact with friends and relatives of both parents.

Copiii au nevoie de contact continuu cu prietenii i rudele ambilor prini.

Children need personal space to call their own, even if it is just a corner.

Copiii au nevoie de un spaiu personal pe care s-l considere al lor chiar dac este doar un col.

Parents should exercise caution when introducing new boyfriends or girlfriends to children. Children often feel confused about their sense of loyalty, and parents' casual relationship may contribute to children's sense of insecurity and instability.

Prinii ar trebui s aib grij atunci cnd i introduc iubiii sau iubitele copiilor. Copiii adesea se simt confuzi cu privire la sentimentul lor de loialitate, i relaiile temporare ale prinilor pot contribui la sentimentele copiilor de nesiguran i instabilitate.

CHILDREN NEED RELATIONSHIPS WITH BOTH PARENTS

COPIII AU NEVOIE DE RELAII CU AMBII PRINI

A parent needs to stress the good points about the other parent and avoid name-calling, saying bad things, or blaming the other parent for problems.

Un printe trebuie s exprime punctele bune ale celuilalt printe i s evite poreclele, s nu spun lucruri rele sau s dea vin pe cellalt printe pentru probleme.

A parent should keep family photos available, including photos of the other parent.

Un printe ar trebui s in la ndemn poze de familie, inclusiv fotografii cu cellalt printe.

A parent should allow children to express Un printe ar trebui s permit copiilor s-i


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their love for the other parent and talk about their experiences with the other parent.

exprime dragostea pentru cellalt printe i s discute despre experienele lor cu cellalt printe.

If a child complains about one parent, the other parent should encourage child to take the complaint to the person responsible rather than agree with the child.

Dac un copil se plnge de cellalt printe, cellalt printe ar trebui s ncurajeze copilul s se plng la persoana responsabil dect s fie de acord cu copilul.

A parent has no control over the other parent.

Un printe nu are control asupra celuilalt printe.

A parent should encourage the other parent's involvement in the children's school or other activities and advise of parent/teacher conferences, provide report cards and give other information pertaining to the welfare of the children

Un printe ar trebui s ncurajeze implicarea celuilalt printe la coala copiilor sau n alte activiti i s anune edinele cu prinii, s furnizeze carnetul de note i s ofere alte informaii care in de bunstarea copiilor.

Parents should telephone, write, make tapes and send cards if they are not able to see their children regularly. A parent should assist children to buy cards and gifts for the other parent.

Prinii ar trebui s dea telefon, s scrie, s fac nregistrri i s trimit felicitri dac nu pot vedea copiii n mod regulat. Un printe ar trebui s ajute copiii s cumpere felicitri i cadouri pentru cellalt printe.

CHILDREN SHOULD BE KEPT OUT OF THE MIDDLE

COPIII AR TREBUI S NU FIE PRINI LA MIJLOC

Parents should talk directly to each other about child-related information parents need to discuss. If talking is not possible, communicate in writing. Children should not be used as messengers.

Prinii ar trebui s discute direct unul cu cellalt cu privire la informaiile despre copil, lucruri pe care prinii trebuie s le discute. Dac discutatul nu este posibil, comunicai n scris. Copiii nu ar trebui folosii ca mesageri.

A parent should not ask children what goes on in the other parent's home. This is a violation of children's trust.

Un printe nu ar trebui s-i ntrebe copiii despre ce se ntmpl n casa celuilalt printe. Aceasta nseamn nclcarea ncrederii copiilor.

Parents should not argue in front of the children. Parents should manage their feelings, and if they cannot, they should end the conversation until they are able to do so.

Prinii nu ar trebui s se certe n faa copiilor. Prinii ar trebui s se descurce cu sentimentele lor i dac nu pot, ar trebui s ncheie conversaia pn cnd pot face acest lucru.

Parents should never expect or encourage their children to take sides.

Prinii nu ar trebui s se atepte sau s ncurajeze copiii s in partea unuia.

If children tell a parent that the other parent lets them stay up late or lets them eat sweets

Dac copiii spun unui printe c cellalt printe i las s stea pn trziu sau i las s mnnce


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for dinner, a parent should tell children that they must follow the rules of the household and that the other parent cannot be told what to do in his/her home.

dulciuri la cin, printele ar trebui s spun copiilor c trebui s urmeze regulile gospodriei i c celuilalt printe nu i se poate spune ce s fac n casa sa.

A parent should not withhold the children from the other parent or refuse to pay child support. Children should not be used as weapons to get back at the other parent.

Un printe nu ar trebui s ascund copiii de cellalt printe sau s refuze s plteasc pensie alimentar. Copii nu ar trebui folosii ca arme drept rzbunare pe cellalt printe.

Parents should use common courtesy and be civil and business-like in their dealings with each other.

Prinii ar trebui s foloseasc bunul sim i s fie civilizai i cu sim practic atunci cnd au de-a face cu unul cu cellalt.

Parents should not jump to conclusions before getting all the information.

Prinii nu ar trebui s se pripeasc cu concluziile nainte de a obine toate informaiile.

Parents should follow up agreements, in writing, about vacation dates, trips to the doctor or dentist, and changes in time-sharing to avoid confusion and double scheduling.

Prinii ar trebui s respecte aranjamentele, n scris, despre datele vacanelor, programrile la doctor sau stomatolog, i schimbri n mprirea timpului pentru a evita confuzia i suprapunerea programului.

Parents should negotiate with one another about changes in time-sharing or responsibilities for the children that each parent will assume. Negotiation requires giving and taking by both parents.

Prinii ar trebui s negocieze unul cu cellalt cu privire la schimbrile n mprirea timpului sau responsabilitilor pentru copiii de care fiecare printe rspunde. Negocierea semnific ca ambii prini s ajung la un compromis.

Parents should recognize that as children grow and develop, time-sharing and parents' responsibilities may have to change to meet the changing needs of the children.

Prinii ar trebui s recunoasc c pe msur ce copii cresc i se dezvolt, mprirea timpului i responsabilitilor prinilor va trebui s se schimbe pentru a satisface nevoile schimbtoare ale copiilor.

Parents should not allow their past conflicts to interfere with present decisions regarding children.

Prinii nu ar trebui s lase conflictele lor din trecut s intervin n deciziile prezente cu privire la copii.

A parent should not expect children to take the place of the absent parent or depend on the children for emotional support. Children need to be children.

Un printe nu ar trebui s se atepte s ia copiii locul printelui absent sau s se bazeze pe sprijin emoional din partea copiilor. Copiii trebuie s fie copii.

COMMUNICATION IS IMPORTANT COMUNICAREA ESTE IMPORTANT

Parents should tell children about the Prinii ar trebui s le spun mpreun copiilor


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divorce/separation together if possible. Children need to know, sometimes over and over, how they will be affected by the divorce/separation; where they will go to school, where they will live, when they will see the other parent, friends and relatives, and who will take care of them should something happen to the parent with whom they live most of the time.

despre divor/separare dac este posibil. Copiii au nevoie s tie, uneori, iar i iar, cum vor fi afectai de divor/separare; unde vor merge la coal, unde vor locui, cnd l vor vedea pe cellalt printe, cnd i vor vedea prietenii i rudele, i cineva va avea grij de ei n cazul n care s-ar ntmpla ceva cu printele cu care triesc n majoritatea timpului.

Children need reassurance that they are not to blame for the divorce/separation.

Copiii au nevoie de reasigurare c ei nu sunt vinovai de divor/separare.

Parents should answer children's questions honestly while avoiding unnecessary details.

Prinii ar trebui s rspund la ntrebrile copiilor cu onestitate n timp ce evit detalii de prisos.

Parents should discuss divorce/separation-related issues in terms the children can understand. It is helpful to avoid terms such as custody, visitation, and child support.

Prinii ar trebui s discute chestiuni legate de divor/separare n termeni pe care s-i neleag i copiii. Este de ajutor s folosii termeni cum ar fi "custodie", "vizitare", i "pensie alimentar".

Parents should encourage children to talk about the divorce/separation and their feelings and discuss problems openly.

Prinii ar trebui s-i ncurajeze copiii s vorbeasc despre divor/separare i sentimentele lor i s discute deschis problemele.

Parents should be an emotional support for their children but should not rely on children to be their emotional support.

Prinii ar trebui s reprezinte un suport emoional pentru copiii lor dar nu ar trebui s se bazeze pe copii s fie suportul lor emoional.

Parents need to accept childrens mood swings and emotional outbursts and not take them personally. Counseling or support groups may help children resolve their feelings.

Prinii trebuie s accepte schimbrile de dispoziie ale copiilor i izbucnirile emoionale i s nu le ia personal. Consilierea sau grupurile de suport ar putea s ajute copiii s-i rezolve sentimentele.

Children should be helped to accept the reality of the divorce/separation and not be given false hope of reunion.

Copiii ar trebui s fie ajutai s accepte realitatea divorului/separrii i s nu li se dea sperane false de mpcare.

Parents should approach single parenting with a positive attitude and speak encouragingly about the future. Children need to know that a parent is strong and going to take care of them.

Prinii ar trebui s abordeze monoparentalitatea cu o atitudine pozitiv i s vorbeasc ncurajator despre viitor. Copiii au nevoie s tie c un printe este puternic i va avea grij de ei.

Parents should express their love and commitment to the children to help them feel secure.

Prinii ar trebui s-i exprime dragostea lor i angajamentul fa de copii pentru a-i ajuta s se simt n siguran.

Children's adjustment to divorce/separation Adaptarea copiilor la divor/separare depinde de


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depends on how parents handle the split. Parents are role models for children and need to set a good example for them. Children imitate the behaviors and attitudes of their parents.

modul n care prinii fac fa divorului. Prinii sunt modele pentru copii i trebuie s le dea un bun exemplu acestora. Copiii imit comportamentele i atitudinile prinilor lor.

When parents are able to lay aside their anger and resentment toward the other parent and handle the divorce/separation in a mature and positive way, children benefit and are assisted in making a healthy adjustment to the split. The greatest gift separated parents can give their children is to allow them to have a loving, satisfying relationship with both parents and not expose them to continued conflict and hostility.

Atunci cnd prinii reuesc s lase la o parte furia i resentimentul fa de cellalt printe i s fac fa divorului/separrii ntr-o manier matur i pozitiv, copiii beneficiaz i sunt ajutai s se adapteze bine la separare. Cel mai mare cadou pe care prinii separai l pot face copiilor lor este acela de a le permite s aib o relaie iubitoare, satisfctoare cu ambii prini i s nu i expun la conflict i ostilitate continu.

SHARING PARENTING TIME MPRIREA TIMPULUI PARENTAL

Though divorce/separation has ended the relationship, parenting remains. Children will begin to adjust and heal more readily after the trauma of divorce/separation if cooperative parenting is established.

Dei divorul/separarea a ncheiat relaia, rmne datoria de prini. Copiii vor ncepe s se adapteze i s se vindece mai repede dup trauma divorului/separrii dac se stabilete o cooperare parental.

After divorce/separation, one parent usually is responsible for the primary care and maintenance of the children. The other parent has parenting time with the children; time which is either defined by an order of the court or is agreed upon by both parents.

Dup divor/separare, un printe este de obicei responsabil pentru grija de baz i ntreinerea copiilor. Cellalt printe are timp parental cu copiii; timp care este fie definit de o hotrre judectoreasc fie este stabilit de comun acord cu ambii prini.

At first, parenting time for child raising may seem to complicate an already stressful situation. Separated parents may find that their roles and expectations are undefined and cloudy.

La nceput, timpul parental pentru creterea copilului ar putea s par c ar complica o situaie deja stresant. Prinii separai s-ar putea s descopere c rolurile i ateptrile lor sunt nedefinite i confuze.

It takes time, effort, and planning on the part of parents to be able to provide a safe environment that helps children recover from the divorce/separation and feel good about themselves. Following are some guidelines and suggestions to facilitate parenting time:

Este nevoie de timp, efort i planificare din partea prinilor pentru a putea fi capabili s asigure un mediu sigur care s ajute copiii s-i revin din divor/separare i s se simt bine cu ei nii. n continuare v prezentm un ghid i sugestii pentru a uura timpul parental:

BEING CONSISTENT: It is crucial that A FI CONSECVENT: Este foarte important ca


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parents are regular and consistent about parenting time. Children need to know that they will be made available for parenting time and picked up and returned at scheduled times. If an emergency arises that requires a change in parenting time or if parenting time will not be exercised, each parent has the responsibility of notifying the other parent as far in advance as possible.

prinii s fie precii i consecveni cu privire la timpul parental. Copiii trebuie s tie c vor fi disponibili pentru timpul parental i preluai i adui napoi la programele stabilite. Dac apare o urgen care necesit o schimbare n timpul parental sau dac nu este folosit timpul parental, fiecare printe are responsabilitatea s-l anune pe cellalt printe ct mai devreme posibil.

GOING BETWEEN HOUSEHOLDS: Children may complain, become withdrawn, or act out when it is time to go between the parents' homes. A parent may believe that something negative is happening in the other parent's home because of the children's behavior. This behavior is usually normal and not necessarily an indication that anything is wrong.

MUTATUL NTRE GOSPODRII: Copiii s-ar putea s se plng, s devin retrai sau s se manifeste atunci cnd este vremea s treac de la o cas la alta. Un printe s-ar putea s cread c ceva negativ se ntmpl n casa celuilalt printe datorit comportamentului copiilor. Acest comportament este de obicei normal i nu este neaprat o indicaie c ceva este n neregul.

Children may be involved in an activity that they don't want to interrupt. Children miss the parent they are not with and go through an adjustment when getting ready to leave each parent's home.

Copiii s-ar putea s fie n mijlocul unei activiti pe care nu vor s-o ntrerup. Copiii i simt lipsa printelui cu care nu locuiesc i trec printr-o modificare atunci cnd se pregtesc s plece din casa fiecrui printe.

The children should be supplied with adequate clothing for the parenting time, and the clothing is to be returned at the end of the parenting time.

Copiii ar trebui s aib haine suficiente pentru timpul parental, i hainele trebuie returnate la finalul timpului parental.

If the children are on medication, the medication, the dosage, and the times the medication is to be taken should be made available to the parent.

Dac copiii fac tratament, medicamentaia, doza i programul lurii medicamentelor trebuie s fie cunoscute de printe.

REBUILDING TRUST: It is essential that separated parents make efforts to rebuild trust between themselves. Having a degree of trust helps reduce conflicts.

RECONSTRUIREA NCREDERII: Este esenial ca prinii separai s fac eforturi s reconstruiasc ncrederea dintre ei. A avea un anumit grad de ncredere ajut la reducerea conflictelor.

One way to rebuild trust is to honor agreements made between parents.

O cale de a reconstrui ncrederea este aceea de a respecta aranjamentele fcute ntre prini.

Broken agreements result in anger, disappointment, resentment, and retaliation. Parents should tell each other the truth. If

nclcarea aranjamentelor duce la furie, dezamgire, resentiment i rzbunare. Prinii ar trebui s-i spun adevrul. Dac trebuie s fie


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plans need to be changed or something of concern happens during the time the children are with a parent, the situation should be discussed calmly with the other parent.

schimbate planurile sau se ntmpl ceva ngrijortor n timpul n care copiii sunt cu un printe, situaia ar trebui discutat cu calm cu cellalt printe.

A parent should check out children's stories with the other parent and recognize that children are not always accurate in their portrayal of events.

Un printe ar trebui s verifice spusele copiilor cu cellalt printe i s recunoasc c acetia nu sunt ntotdeauna precii n reproducerea evenimentelor.

SHARING AND PARTICIPATING IN ACTIVITIES:

Because of the newness of the divorce/separation and the changes in roles, it is helpful to outline a list of specific activities for the parenting time.

MPRIREA I PARTICIPAREA LA ACTIVITI:

Datorit lipsei de experien n ceea ce privete divorul /separarea i schimbul de roluri, este de ajutor s facei o list cu activiti specifice pentru timpul parental.

Choose activities that are appropriate to children's ages and interests. Reading books together, picnics, walks, biking, cooking, games, and trips to parks, the zoo, museums, and the library are some activities.

Alegei activiti care sunt adecvate vrstelor i intereselor copiilor. Cititul crilor mpreun, picnicurile, plimbrile, mersul cu bicicleta, jocurile i excursiile n parcuri, la zoo, muzee i la bibliotec sunt unele activiti.

Parents may have skills to pass along to their children. Working on the car, computer, or sewing machine assists children to grow in skills and independence and share in an activity that the parent enjoys.

Prinii s-ar putea s aib aptitudini pe care copiii lor s le moteneasc pe viitor. Lucratul la o main, computer sau main de cusut ajut copiii s-i construiasc aptitudinile i independena i s mpart o activitate de care printele s se bucure.

A parent's role does not necessarily begin and end with scheduled parenting time. The parent also may participate in parent/teacher conferences, attend school functions, help children with homework, or assist in taking the children to medical appointments and their social or sports activities.

Rolul unui printe nu ncepe sau se termin neaprat cu timpul parental programat. Printele poate de asemenea participa la edinele cu prinii, poate participa la evenimente colare, poate ajuta copiii cu temele, sau poate ajuta s duc copiii la programrile medicale i la activitile lor sociale sau sportive.

Participating and sharing in activities allows parents to remain involved with their children.

Participarea i mprirea activitilor permite prinilor s rmn implicai n viaa copiilor lor.

However, both parents need to establish "normal" routines with chores, bedtimes, rules and standards for behavior, and regular meals to help children feel secure and stable.

Oricum, ambii prini trebuie s stabileasc rutine normale cu sarcini, ore de culcare, reguli i standarde pentru comportament, i mese regulate pentru a face copiii s se simt n siguran i stabili.


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SOLVING PROBLEMS:

Parents need to communicate about parenting.

REZOLVAREA PROBLEMELOR:

Prinii trebuie s comunice cu privire ngrijirea parental.

When problems arise, the first impulse may be to blame the other parent.

Atunci cnd apar probleme, primul impuls ar putea fi ca un printe s dea vina pe cellalt printe.

Anger and blaming are barriers that interfere with communication. Communication requires special skills and compromise. When there is a problem, parents need a plan.

Furia i nvinuirea sunt bariere care interfereaz cu comunicarea. Comunicarea are nevoie de aptitudini speciale i compromis. Atunci cnd este o problem, prinii au nevoie de un plan.

FIRST, ASK YOURSELF:

Is this a child-related problem? Bringing up problems that have to do with relationship issues of the parents is not part of the business of parenting.

MAI NTI NTREBAI-V:

Este o problem cu privire la copil? A scoate la iveal probleme care au legtur cu chestiunile relaiei prinilor nu face parte din administrarea ngrijirii parentale.

Can the problem wait or does it need to be discussed as soon as possible?

Poate problema atepta sau trebuie discutat ct mai repede?

Make a list of the issues to be discussed and your proposals. Let it sit for a few days to see if you have any changes or need more information before arranging a meeting.

Facei o list cu chestiunile ce urmeaz a fi discutate i cu propunerile voastre. Lsai deoparte cteva zile pentru a vedea dac mai avei schimbri sau mai avei nevoie de mai multe informaii nainte de a stabili o ntlnire.

Only cover a few issues in one session. Start with the easy problems and move on to the more difficult.

Dezbatei doar cteva chestiuni ntr-o singur edin. ncepei cu problemele uoare i naintai ctre cele mai dificile.

Does this problem have to do with the children's health, education, or time- sharing? Separated parents may have to limit discussions to these three topics.

Aceast problem are legtur cu sntatea, educaia i mprirea timpului copiilor? Prinii separai s-ar putea s fie nevoii s limiteze discuiile la acestei trei puncte.

Be specific about what you mean. Set ground rules that there will be no personal attacks or name calling.

Fii specifici n ceea ce vrei s spunei. Stabilii reguli de baz c nu vor fi atacuri la persoan sau porecle.

Is a change in the time- sharing schedule convenient for me only or does it accommodate the other parent or the children?

Schimbarea n programul mpririi timpului este convenabil doar pentru mine sau este n regul i pentru cellalt printe sau pentru copii?


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WHEN PARENTS MEET FOR PROBLEM SOLVING:

CND PRINII SE NTLNESC PENTRU REZOLVAREA PROBLEMELOR:

Arrange a time and place that is convenient for both parents. Limit discussion time to 30 minutes. When discussion time goes longer, emotions may get out of hand.

Stabilii un timp i loc care s fie convenabil pentru ambii prini. Limitai timpul discuiei la 30 de minute. Cnd timpul discuiei se prelungete, emoiile s-ar putea s scape de sub control.

If you disagree, look for ways that each parent can give a little. Write down any agreements you make and make sure that each of you has a copy. Once a decision is made, put it away and don't try to re-think it.

Dac nu cdei de acord, cutai metode pentru ca fiecare printe s fac un compromis. Scriei orice aranjament pe care l facei i asigurai-v c avei amndoi o copie. De ndat ce se ia o decizie, trecei mai departe i nu o mai regndii.

GAMES NOBODY WINS JOCURILE LA CARE NIMENI NU CTIG

Divorce/separation is painful, and people who are hurting often act in ways that hurt other people. They may play "divorce/separation games" in which they attempt to use or manipulate someone in order to gain control over their lives, but the games aren't fun and they're not good for anyone involved.

Divorul/separarea este dureros/dureroas i oamenii care sufer adesea acioneaz n moduri care rnesc pe ali oameni. Ei pot juca "jocuri divor/separare" n care ncearc s foloseasc sau s manipuleze pe cineva pentru a obine controlul asupra vieilor lor, dar jocurile nu sunt amuzante i nu sunt bune pentru nici una din prile implicate.

The games are usually not intentional - they sort of just happen unless one recognizes them and avoids them.

Jocurile nu sunt de obicei intenionate acestea se ntmpl pur i simplu doar dac persoana nu le recunoate i ncearc s le evite.

In the beginning of the divorce/separation, people may actually "win" at one or two of the games.

La nceputul divorului/separrii, oamenii s-ar putea s "ctige" unul sau dou jocuri.

They then feel that they got something out of the mess and have some kind of control over the situation.

Apoi acetia simt c au ctigat ceva din toat ncurctura i c au un anume control asupra situaiei.

However, divorce/separation games result in the players feeling guilty, untrustworthy, and depressed, and children are hurt. No one wins in divorce/separation games.

Oricum, jocurile divor/separare au ca rezultat faptul c juctorii se simt vinovai, nencreztori i depresivi, i copiii sunt rnii. Nimeni nu ctig n jocurile divor/separare.

GAMES PARENTS PLAY JOCURI PSIHOLOGICE JUCATE DE PRINI

I SPY SPIONAJUL


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A parent sometimes asks a child a lot of questions about what is going on in the other parent's home - questions about whether mom or dad has a boyfriend or girlfriend, if the new boyfriend/girlfriend is spending the night, if mom or dad is drinking or using drugs, if mom /dad asked questions about him or her.

Un printe uneori pune multe ntrebri despre ce se ntmpl n casa celuilalt printe ntrebri despre dac mama sau tatl are un iubit sau o iubit, dac iubitul/iubita petrece noaptea n cas, dac mama sau tata bea sau se drogheaz, dac mama/tata a pus ntrebri despre el sau ea.

Sometimes the questions are to satisfy curiosity, but sometimes they are to hurt the other or to hurt the parent asking the questions.

Uneori ntrebrile sunt pentru a satisface curiozitatea, dar alteori sunt pentru a-l rni pe cellalt sau pentru a-l rni pe printele care pune ntrebri.

Sometimes the questions are to help a parent feel better about himself or herself - that the other parent is not doing OK without the relationship.

Uneori ntrebrile sunt pentru a-l ajuta pe printe s se simt mai bine cu el nsui faptul c printele nu este OK fr relaie.

Enlisting the children to play this game complicates and confuses the relationships they have with both parents and is damaging to their emotional well-being.

nrolnd copiii s joace acest joc complic i zpcete relaiile pe care acetia le au cu ambii prini i este duntor pentru bunstarea lor emoional.

TUG OF WAR

SMUCITURA RZBOIULUI

Parents sometimes continue their conflicts after the divorce/separation. Each side looks for support for his/her side because then parents can assure themselves that they are "right" and "okay" because the child is on their side.

Prinii uneori i continu conflictele dup divor/separare. Fiecare parte caut susinere pentru partea sa deoarece atunci prinii pot s se asigure pe ei nii c au "dreptate" i c sunt "n regul" deoarece copilul este de partea lor.

Children are caught in the middle and feel as though they are being ripped apart. Children usually lose respect for both parents and themselves because children are a part of both parents.

Copiii sunt prini la mijloc i simt ca i cum sunt rupi n buci. Copiii de obicei i pierd respectul pentru ambii prini i pentru ei nii deoarece copiii sunt parte din ambii prini.

MESSENGER

MESAGER

Warring parents can't stand to talk to each other and sometimes don't want to take the chance of making the other parent angry.

Prinii n conflict nu pot suporta s vorbeasc unul cu cellalt i uneori nu vor s-i asume responsabilitatea de a-l nfuria pe cellalt printe.

So they ask children to take little messages to the other parent - "you are two weeks behind in child support and when are you

Aadar le spun copiilor s duc un mesaj celuilalt printe - "ai ntrziat cu pensia alimentar dou sptmni i cnd ai de gnd s plteti"; "casa


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going to pay"; "the house is still half mine and you better make sure the furnace is repaired"; "If I don't get Christmas this year, I won't pay child support."

este nc jumtate a mea i ai face bine s te asiguri c focarul este reparat"; "Dac nu petrec timpul cu copilul de Craciun, nu voi plti pensia alimentar".

Children should not be involved in parent's fights. Children need to love both parents because it makes them feel better about themselves.

Copiii nu ar trebui s fie implicai n certurile prinilor. Copiii trebuie s-i iubeasc ambii prini deoarece acest lucru i face s se simt mai bine cu ei nii.

WHAT WOULD I DO WITHOUT YOU

CE M-A FACE CU TINE

When parents separate, they become overwhelmed and feel less than whole. They feel alone and miss the companionship and help with responsibilities that were part of the marriage. They may count on children to fill the gap and look to the children for emotional support or to be the little mother or man of the house.

Cnd prinii se separ, ei devin copleii i nu se mai simt mplinii. Se simt singuri i i duc dorul tovarului i ajutorului cu responsabilitile, tot ceea ce fcea parte din acest mariaj. S-ar putea s se bazeze pe copii pentru a umple golul i vor cuta n copii suportul emoional sau s fie mica mam sau brbatul casei.

Children feel used when thrust into the role of being the parent's friend or helpmate. They often must grow up before they are ready and miss out on being children.

Copiii se simt folosii cnd sunt mpini n rolul de a fi prieteni sau tovari ai printelui. Acetia adesea trebuie s creasc nainte de a fi pregtii i sar peste copilrie.

THE MONEY GAME

JOCUL BANILOR

Parents often have a financial crunch when they become single parents. They sometimes let children know how worried they are when bills come due or are overdue. They blame the other parent for their money problems.

Prinii adesea ntmpin un declin financiar cnd devin prini singuri. Adesea le spun copiilor ct de ngrijorai atunci cnd scad facturile sau au depit de mult data scadent. Ei nvinovesc pe cellalt printe pentru problemele financiare.

This behavior scares the children and makes them feel insecure. They may become preoccupied with thoughts about how they can bring money into the home or they may think that if they aren't there, the parent will be able to cope.

Acest comportament sperie copiii i i face s se simt nesiguri. S-ar putea s devin preocupai despre cum pot aduce i ei bani n cas sau s-ar putea s se gndeasc c dac ei nu ar exista, printele s-ar putea s se descurce.

I'M STARTING OVER O IAU DE LA CAPT Sometimes divorce/separation makes parents feel that they are starting over and that they are young again. They may adopt clothing or hairstyles of teenagers. They may

Uneori divorul/separarea face ca prinii s simt c o iau de la capt i c sunt tineri din nou. S-ar putea s adopte stiluri de coafuri sau haine de adolesceni. S-ar putea s stea n ora pn trziu


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stay out late or not come home until morning. sau s nu vin acas pn dimineaa. Children find it embarrassing and confusing when parents act like "one of the kids".

Copiii gsesc aceste lucruri jenante i confuze cnd prinii se comport ca "unul dintre copii".

OVER MY DEAD BODY PESTE CADAVRUL MEU Sometimes parents play custody and visitation games. They try to get even with the other parent for some hurt that occurred in the relationship or caused the split.

Uneori prinii joac jocuri de custodie i vizitare. Ei ncearc s se rzbune pe cellalt printe pentru anume rni care au avut loc n relaia lor sau cauzate de desprire.

They try to keep the children from the other parent or they try to gain custody to break the other parent financially through court battles, to show that they are the better parent, or to intimidate the other parent to gain something else.

Vor ncerca s in copiii departe de cellalt printe sau vor ncerca s obin custodia pentru a-l distruge financiar pe cellalt printe prin lupte n instan, pentru a arta c sunt prinii mai buni, sau pentru a-l intimida pe cellalt printe s ctige altceva.

Children feel at fault in these games; if they weren't around, there would not be a vehicle for the parents to continue to fight. They believe their feelings don't matter because the parents are so consumed with fighting the war.

Copiii se simt o greeal n aceste jocuri, dac ei n-ar fi n preajm, nu ar fi un motiv pentru ca prinii s continue s lupte. Ei cred c sentimentele lor nu conteaz deoarece prinii sunt att de absorbii n purtarea rzboiului.

I OWE MY KID

MI DEIN COPILUL

Parents know that divorce/separation hurts children, and they feel guilty. Some try to make it up to the children by letting them off the hook with chores and responsibilities or by buying the children wonderful presents sometimes going without things themselves to do it.

Prinii tiu c divorul/separarea rnete copilul, i se simt vinovai. Unii ncearc s se revaneze fa de copii ngduindu-le s nu-i mai ndeplineasc sarcinile i responsabilitile sau cumprndu-le copiilor cadouri minunate.

Children know when parents are trying to buy their love. It makes them feel uncomfortable. Children need the consistency of still having to do their regularly assigned chores, and they need love and attention.

Copiii tiu c prinii ncearc s le cumpere dragostea. i face s se simt incomod. Copii au nevoie de consecvena de a-i face n continuare sarcinile regulat desemnate i au nevoie de dragoste i atenie.

NAME CALLING

PORECLE

A parent sometimes calls the other parent names or says nasty things about the other parent in the hearing of the children. The

Un printe uneori i pune porecle celuilalt printe sau spune lucruri rele despre cellalt printe n auzul copiilor. Printele este rnit sau furios i


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parent is hurt or angry and may even believe that the children should know the "truth" about the parent.

poate chiar crede c ar trebui s tie copiii "adevrul" despre cellalt printe.

Children don't feel good about themselves when part of themselves comes from the "no good" parent. Children need to learn for themselves the strengths and shortfalls of each parent. They want and need a good relationship with both parents.

Copiii nu se simt bine n pielea lor cnd o parte din ei vine de la printele "bun de nimic". Copiii trebuie s afle singuri punctele forte i eecurile fiecrui printe. Ei doresc i au nevoie de o relaie bun cu ambii prini.

GUIDED MISSILE RACHET TELEGHIDAT A parent sometimes may try to use children as a weapon to change the other parent's behavior or to try to get something from the other parent.

Un printe uneori s-ar putea s ncerce s foloseasc copiii ca pe o arm pentru a schimba comportamentul celuilalt printe sau pentru a ncerca s obin ceva de la cellalt printe.

The parent may refuse to pay child support because he/she believes the other parent is using it for entertainment or new clothes.

Printele s-ar putea s refuze s plteasc pensie alimentar deoarece el/ea crede c cellalt printe folosete banii pentru distracie sau haine noi.

The parent may refuse visitation because a new girlfriend/boyfriend is in the life of the other parent and that parent is now immoral or not giving enough time to the children.

Printele s-ar putea s refuze vizitarea deoarece un nou iubit/o nou iubit este n viaa celuilalt printe i acel printe este acum imoral sau nu acord suficient timp copilului.

This behavior is unfair to children. Children should not be used as a pawn for a parent to retaliate against the other parent.

Acest comportament este nedrept pentru copii. Copiii nu ar trebui s fie folosii ca pioni pentru ca un printe s se rzbune pe cellalt printe.

GAMES CHILDREN PLAY JOCURI PSIHOLOGICE JUCATE DE COPII

I'LL BE ON YOUR SIDE IF YOU GIVE ME WHAT I WANT

VOI FI DE PARTEA TA DAC MI DAI CE VREAU

Children sometimes tell a parent what the other parent has given them or the places the other parent has taken them to try to gain similar advantages from that parent. Children sometimes tell a parent the grievances they have about the other parent to make that parent play into their hands.

Copiii uneori spun unui printe ce le-a dat cellalt printe sau locurile n care cellalt printe i-a dus pentru a ncerca s obin avantaje similare de la acel printe. Copiii uneori spun unui printe nemulumirile pe care le au cu privire la cellalt printe pentru a face ca acel printe s cad n minile lor.

Parents need to realize that children are not always accurate reporters and that they do try to manipulate situations to their

Prinii trebuie s realizeze c, nu ntotdeauna copiii relateaz cele adevrate i c ncearc s manipuleze situaiile n avantajul lor.


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advantage.

BUT MOM/DAD SAID YES DAR MAMA/TATA SPUNE DA

This game is also played by children to get their own way at the expense of one of the parents. Children know the kinds of events or activities that one parent may allow but not the other. This game particularly works well if the parent who allows the activity is outside the home.

Acest joc este de asemenea jucat de copii pentru a face ca ei pe seama unuia dintre prini. Copiii tiu ce tipuri de evenimente sau activiti un printe permite dar cellalt nu. Acest joc funcioneaz bine dac printele care permite activitatea este n afara casei.

The children enlist that parent's support and if the other parent says no, children drop the bombshell - "but dad/mom said it would be OK". This also works when parents have different rules or responsibilities for the children.

Copiii menioneaz susinerea printelui i dac cellalt printe spune nu, copiii arunc bomba - "dar mama/tata a spus c e ok". Acest lucru funcioneaz de asemenea cnd prinii au reguli diferite sau responsabiliti pentru copii.

If possible, separated parents should continue to try to present a united front to children and try to determine the position the other parent may take. Children need to know that while each parent may have different rules, the rules of the household in which they are residing when an issue arises should be followed.

Dac este posibil, prinii separai ar trebui s continue s prezinte un front unit copiilor i s ncerce s determine poziia pe care cellalt printe ar lua-o. Copiii trebuie s tie c dei fiecare printe poate avea reguli diferite, regulile gospodriei n care locuiesc atunci cnd apare o problem ar trebui urmate.

BLACKMAIL

ANTAJ

Children may try to manipulate a parent when they are feeling threatened by change or want their own way. Children may tell a parent they won't visit or they will go and live with the other parent if the parent has a new girlfriend/boyfriend, is going to remarry, tells the children they can't do something, or disciplines the children.

Copiii ar putea ncerca s manipuleze un printe cnd se simt ameninai de schimbare sau vor s fac ca ei. Copiii s-ar putea s i zic celuilalt printe c nu vor vizita sau nu vor merge s locuiasc cu cellalt printe dac printele are un nou iubit/o nou iubit, sau intenioneaz s se recstoreasc, le spune copiilor c nu pot face ceva, sau i disciplineaz.

If this game is not brought to a halt, children gain power over the parent. Children need to understand that there are rules and consequences for broken rules and that parents have to get on with their lives too.

Dac acest joc nu este oprit, copiii vor deine putere asupra printelui. Copiii trebuie s neleag c sunt reguli i consecine pentru nclcarea regulilor i c prinii trebuie s-i vad i ei de viaa lor.


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I'LL GET EVEN WITH YOU M VOI RZBUNA PE TINE

Children rarely understand the motivation and consequences for this game as they do for the other divorce/separation games they play. Children sometimes display hurt and anger by acting differently from ways they have behaved before.

Copiii rar neleg motivaia i consecinele pentru acest joc aa cum nu neleg nici celelalte jocuri divor/separare pe care l joac. Copiii uneori afieaz suferin i furie dar acioneaz diferit dect ar fi acionat nainte.

Some children may be withdrawn or act violently toward themselves or others. Sometimes the child at home may be different from the child at school.

Unii copii ar putea fi retrai sau ar putea s acioneze violent fa de ei nii sau de alii. Uneori copilul de acas poate fi diferit de copilul de la coal.

Parents who are understanding and have good communication with children may be able to address the problems and help children resolve the feelings of hurt and anger. Some children may need professional help or counseling.

Prinii care sunt nelegtori i au o comunicare bun cu copiii s-ar putea s fie n stare s exprime problemele i s ajute copiii s-i rezolve sentimentele de suferin i furie. Unii copii s-ar putea s aib nevoie de ajutor profesional sau consiliere.

CONCLUSION CONCLUZIE

When children are asked what they want to see happen after divorce/separation, they tend to answer that they would like their parents back together again. When parents are asked the same question, most respond that they want nothing to do with their former spouse/partner.

Cnd copiii sunt ntrebai ce vor s vad c se ntmpl dup divor/separare, tind s rspund c i-ar dori prini mpreun din nou. Cnd prinii sunt ntrebai acelai lucru, mai toi rspund c nu mai vor s aib de-a face cu fostul partener sau fostul so/fosta soie.

The adjustments required in post-divorce/separation relationships are never easy, for divorce/separation is one of life's most stressful events for everyone involved. Children are devastated by divorce / separation and feel powerless.

Modificrile necesare n relaiile dup divor/separare nu sunt niciodat uoare, deoarece divorul/separarea este unul dintre evenimentele cele mai stresante din via, pentru orice parte implicat. Copiii sunt devastai de divor / separare i se simt neputincioi.

Typically, they experience tremendous loss and pain. They have been dependent on both parents, and the props have been knocked out from under them. They feel disbelief that the family will no longer exist as they have known it. Many are anxious, angry, sad, depressed, and confused about what is

Tipic, ei experimenteaz o pierdere si o durere enorm. Au fost dependeni de ambii prini, i totul li s-a prbuit de sub picioare. Nu mai au ncredere c familia va mai exista vreodat aa cum o cunosc. Muli sunt anxioi, furioi, triti, depresivi i confuzi cu privire la ceea ce se ntmpl. Se simt abandonai i sufer o scdere


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happening.They feel abandoned, and they suffer a drop in self-esteem.

n stima de sine.

Just when children need them most, many newly-separated parents need time for themselves to regain a sense of balance and personal well-being. If grieving parents lose their ability to consider their children's needs, everyone suffers.

Chiar atunci cnd copiii au mai mare nevoie muli prini nou separai au nevoie de timp pentru ei nii pentru a recpta un echilibru i o bunstare personal. Dac prinii suferinzi i pierd abilitatea de a lua n considerare nevoile copiilor, toat lumea va suferi.

It is hard enough to raise children when parents are together and getting along well; it is much more difficult when separated parents are having problems talking with each other. Children need relationships with both parents after a divorce/separation, and parents must do what they can to promote those relationships.

Este destul de greu s creti copii atunci cnd prinii sunt mpreun i se neleg bine; este mult mai dificil cnd prinii separai au probleme rzbunndu-se unul pe cellalt. Copiii au nevoie de relaii cu ambii prini dup divor/separare, i prinii trebuie s fac tot ce pot pentru a ntreine acele relaii.

Children desperately need parental cooperation. Parents can learn to get along after the split and share responsibilities for their children even if they did not get along as significant others. Parents or children who have great difficulty coping with divorce/separation should seek professional help.

Copiii au nevoie disperat de cooperare parental. Prinii pot nva s coopereze dup desprire i pot s-i mpart responsabilitile pentru copiii lor chiar dac nu s-au neles n alte probleme. Prinii sau copiii care ntmpin cu dificultate divorul/separarea ar trebui s caute ajutor profesional.

Hopefully, the information in this booklet will serve as a guide to raising secure and healthy children after divorce/separation.

S sperm c informaiile din aceast brour vor ajuta ca ghid pentru a crete copiii n siguran i sntoi dup divor/separare.

CHILDREN'S BILL OF RIGHTS LEGEA DREPTURILOR COPIILOR

1. The right to be treated as important human beings, with unique feelings, ideas and desires, and not as a source of argument between parents.

1.Dreptul de a fi tratai ca fiine umane importante, cu sentimente unice, idei i dorine i nu ca surse de ceart ntre prini.

2. The right to a continuing relationship with both parents and the freedom to receive love from and express love for both.

2.Dreptul la o relaie continu cu ambii prini i libertatea de a primi dragoste de la ambii prini i de a-i exprima dragostea pentru ambii.

3. The right to express love and affection for 3. Dreptul de a-i exprima dragostea i afeciunea


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each parent without having to stifle that love because of fear of disapproval by the other parent.

pentru fiecare printe fr a fi nevoii s-i nbueasc acea dragoste deoarece le este team de dezaprobarea din partea celuilalt printe.

4. The right to know that their parents' decision to divorce/separate is not their responsibility and that they will continue to be loved by both parents.

4. Dreptul de a ti c decizia prinilor lor de a divora/ de a se separa nu este responsabilitatea lor i c vor fi iubii n continuare de ambii prini.

5. The right to continuing care and guidance from both parents.

5. Dreptul la grij i cluzire continu de la ambii prini.

6. The right to honest answers to questions about the changing family relationships.

6. Dreptul la rspunsuri oneste la ntrebri despre relaiile schimbtoare din familie.

7. The right to know and appreciate what is good in each parent without one parent degrading the other.

7. Dreptul de a ti i aprecia ceea ce este bun la fiecare printe fr ca un printe s-l denigreze pe cellalt.

8. The right to have a relaxed, secure relationship with both parents without being placed in a position to manipulate one parent against the other.

8. Dreptul de a avea o relaie relaxat, sigur cu ambii prini fr a fi pus n situaia de manipula un printe mpotriva celuilalt.

9. The right to have both parents not undermine the other parent's time with the children by suggesting tempting alternatives or by threatening to withhold parental contact as a punishment for the children's wrongdoing.

9. Dreptul ca ambii prini s nu submineze timpul celuilalt printe cu copilul sugernd alternative tentante sau s amenine mpiedicarea vizitrii ca pedeaps pentru lucrurile rele fcute de copii.

10. The right to experience regular and consistent contact with both parents and to be protected from parental disputes or disagreements.

10. Dreptul de beneficia de vizite regulate i consecvente cu ambii prini i de a fi protejat de disputele parentale sau nenelegerile.

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