Jeremy Clarkson Despre Umorul Englezesc/Jeremy Clarkson on Brits

7/28/2019 Jeremy Clarkson Despre Umorul Englezesc/Jeremy Clarkson on Brits

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Prietenul i colegul meu de la Sunday Times, A. A. Gill, a identificat diferen a dintrestilurile american i britanic de a face comedie. Ei caut s rd alturi de personaje carele plac precum Joey din Friends, spre exemplu - n timp ce noi rdem de personaje carenu ne plac. Idioii din 2012, Basil Fawlty, David Brent i aa mai departe.

S-ar putea spune c n America se gsesc 312 milioane de oameni simpli, care nu pricepironia. i c noi suntem nite cinici constructivi. ns eu bnuiesc c adevratul motiveste faptul c ei chiar sunt nite oameni de treab. Iar noi nu...

Cinele nostru a murit de curnd i, ca un experiment, am anunat lucrul sta pe Twitter.mi imaginez c oricine tie c atunci cnd animalul de companie al unei familii esteeutanasiat, familia respectiv este un pic suprat, dac nu chiar n pragul unei crize. Aac te-ai atepta la un dram de empatie. i, n America, chiar de asta ai avea parte.

Nu i n Marea Britanie, ns. La cteva clipe dup postare, un om pe nume Ryan Paiseym-a ntrebat: Cum miroase?. Adam Farrow a spus c vestea e oarecum amuzant.

Phil May dorea s tie dac a fost vina lui James May, iar Tom Green nu a spus dectbun. Toate astea s-au ntmplat n mai puin de ceea ce Twitter numete zero secunde.

Acum, s-au scurs cinci minute, iar tirada de abuzuri continu. Ceea ce nu face dect s-miconfirme teoria. Marea Britanie este o naie cu 62 de milioane de javre ordinare mpuite.Suntem ara care a inventat lagrele de concentrare i sclavia la nivel internaional. Celemai barbare, mai sngeroase i mai diavoleti metode de tortur n perioada medieval?Tot noi. i cine i-a trimis napoi pe imigranii rui pentru a fi mcelrii de Stalin? Dap.Noi. Cel mai bun prieten al meu din grdini obinuia s-i petreac fiecare clip liberaruncnd tot ce prindea prin grdin n toctorul automat din scurgerea chiuvetei de labuctrie. Era englez. i sunt sigur c, dac ai verifica, terorizarea celor mai mici dect

tine tot aici a aprut prima dat.

n trafic, poi gsi i mai multe dovezi pentru agresivitatea noastr motenit. Sptmnatrecut, testam minunatul Ferrari 458 Spideri nu a fi fost tratat cu mai mult disprenici dac a fi mers printr-un mall n uniform SS i cu o glug Ku Klux Klan, rpindcopii. Mesajul era clar: Oricine s-ar afla n maina aia s-a mbogit pe spinareamuncitorilor exploatai i, ca pedeaps, nu o s-l lsm s ias de pe strdua aia i s senscrie n trafic.

Din nou, se impun nite paralele cu SUA. Acolo, cnd un vagabond vede pe cinevatrecnd ntr-un Ferrari i spune c, ntr-o zi, va avea i el unul. La noi, i face planuri

cum s i-l fure.

Lucrul sta a fost dovedit de un alt experiment pe care l-am fcut sptmna trecut.Eram cu Ferrariul pe ultima band a autostrzii M43, apropiindu-m n vitez de oToyota oarecare. Dac m-a fi aflat ntr-un Ford sau Opel la fel de oarecare, individul s-ar fi dat la o parte imediat ce se ivea ocazia. Dar, pentru c eram ntr-un Ferrari, a statacolo i am msurat asta pre de 68 de kilometri.


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Desigur, e posibil ca oferul s fi ajuns recent aici dintr-o ar n care nu exist odisciplin a benzilor pe autostrad, dar e mult, mult mai probabil s fi fost un britanicncrit care i-a propus s-i demonstreze soiei lui grase, cu buze subiri, chiloi mari iapucturi social-democratice c poate face n aa fel nct binosul cu Ferrari s nuajung acas mai repede dect ei.

Observi lucrurile astea atunci cnd tragi la o benzinrie ntr-un supercar. n alt parte,oamenii se adun, vor s-l vad, s-l ating, s stea n el sau s tie ct de repede merge.

Nu i la noi ns. Toi care trec pe lng el spun un singur lucru: Pun pariu c nu faciprea muli kilometri cu un plin. E ca i cum fiecare britanic a fost programat la nateres considere bunstarea altora att de iritant, nct s gseasc singurul aspect la careToyota lor obosit e mai bun: consumul. Da, ai dreptate, le rspund de regul, artndcu capul spre gleata lor de rugin, dar pun pariu c nu ai avut parte de prea mult sexgraie mainii leia.

De curnd, imens de talentata i foarte frumoasa cntrea Amy Macdonald a fostinvitat la BBC Breakfast, unde a anunat c i-a cumprat un Ferrari 458. I s-au pusdou ntrebri. Indignat: Ct te-a costat drcia aia?. i, cu satisfacie: Pe ce drumuri os conduci tu aa ceva n Anglia?. Acri, acri, acri.

Oamenii cred sincer c dac gingaa domnioar Macdonald nu ar avea un Ferrari,vieile lor ar fi mai bune. E un raionament pe care nu l-am neles niciodat. Dar e foartereal. E promovat de Daily Mail, care poart un rzboi cu oricine e prea frumos, preabogat sau prea slab. Ei cred sincer c o erupie de acnee pe faa lui Kate Moss i-ar creteconsiderabil standardul de via doamnei Gaze-n-intestin din Pontefract. La exterior,urm Rusia comunist; n secret, e ceea ce 95% din populaie i dorete.

Bancheri. Ageni imobiliari. Politicieni. Jurnaliti. Practic, oricine poart costum e satanai trebuie trimis la nchisoare, dup ce a fost concediat, n prealabil. Oamenii n salopet?Sunt pinea lui Dumnezeu i trebuie s primeasc un televizor plat imediat.

De asta trebuie s ii cont nainte s cumperi un supercar n ara asta. Oamenii vor scuipape el i, cnd nu eti atent, l vor acoperi cu pipi. i vor freca cheile de el i i se vorbga intenionat n fa. Nu te vor lsa s intri n trafic cnd nu ai prioritate, te vor numin tot felul i, la petreceri mi s-a ntmplat i asta cnd aveam 458-ul femeile i vorspune c trebuie s ai un penis extrem de mic.

Te vor filma n timp ce conduci i vor pune fructul muncii lor pe YouTube. Poliitii ivor acorda atenie suplimentar i un tratament preferenial pe care nu-l doreti. Veiputea genera mai multe g-uri ntr-o curb, dar, n timp ce iei din viraj ntr-o furtun deflegme, vei fi nctuat i dus la nchisoare.

mi place s cred c asta e zona n care revista TopGear e mai util dect alte surse deinformare din lumea auto. Revistele i site-urile rivale i vor spune cte nituri s-aufolosit pentru caroseria unui Ferrari 599 i cte valve se afl n motorul unui Pagani


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Hneurrgh. Dar nu i vor spune care supercar e cel mai indicat dac nu vrei s ajungiacas necat n saliva altcuiva. Noi o facem: e vorba de Aston Martin DBS.Spune-i cuiva c i-ai lovit Ferrariul sau Lamborghiniul, i va rde. Spune-i c i-ai lovitAstonul, i se va ntrista. Un Aston buit trezete Daily Mail-ul din noi. Ne plac. Ne placi oamenii care le conduc. Asta poate pentru c sunt gri. Sau poate pentru c au motorul

n fa, acolo unde i e locul; nu tiu. Dartiu un lucru: Aston e singura main scumpi rapid pe care javrele acre i ordinare de britanici o accept.

tiu c nu e prea amuzant. Dar, cum am mai spus, tocmai mi-a murit cinele.

Jeremy Clarkson on: Brits

My Sunday Times colleague and friend, A.A. Gill, recently outlined the differencebetween American and British comedy. They enjoy laughing along with people they like- Joey from Friends for example - whereas we enjoy laughing at people we don't. Theidiots from 2012, Basil Fawlty, David Brent and so on.

It could be argued that this is because America is home to 312 million simpletons whodon't understand irony. And that we are healthily cynical. But I suspect the real reason isthat they're actually quite pleasant. And we're not...

A few moments ago, my dog died, and, as an experiment, I announced the fact onTwitter. Now, everyone must have known that when a family pet is put down, the familyin question is bound to be upset. So you'd expect a bit of sympathy. And, in America,that's what you'd get.

Not in Britain, though. Moments after I posted my Tweet, a man called Ryan Paiseyasked: "How does she smell?" Adam Farrow said the news was "kinda funny". Phil Maywanted to know if it was James May's fault, and Tom Green said simply: "Good". All thatin less than what Twitter calls zero seconds.

Five minutes has now elapsed, and still it's a non-stop tirade of abuse. Which confirms

my theory. Britain is a nation of 62 million complete and utter b*******. We are thecountry that invented the concentration camp, and international slavery.

Hanging, drawing, quartering: that was us too. And who was it that sent the WhiteRussians home to be slaughtered by Stalin? Yup. Us. My best friend at prep school usedto spend every free moment forcing whatever he'd caught in the garden that day down hisMum's waste disposal unit. He was British. And I bet, if you checked, you'd find that,along with everything else, bullying was invented here too.


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There is more evidence of our inherent nastiness to be found on the road. Last week, Iwas testing the magnificent Ferrari 458 Spider, and I couldn't have been more despised ifI'd run around a shopping centre in full SS uniform and a Ku Klux Klan hat trying to stealchildren. The message was clear: "Whoever is in that car has become rich by exploitingthe workers, and, as a result, we are not going to let him out of that side turning."

Again, we must draw parallels with the US. Over there, when a tramp sees someone driveby in a Ferrari, he will say, "One day, I'll have one of those." Here, what he will say is:"One day, I'll have him out of that."

This was proved in another experiment I undertook last week. I was in the outside lane ofthe M40 in the Ferrari, closing fast on some kind of Toyota. If I'd been in an equallynondescript Ford or Vauxhall, the driver would have moved over at the first possibleopportunity. But, because I was in the Ferrari, he sat there - and I measured it - for 43miles.

Of course, it's possible the driver had recently arrived from some country where there isno direct translation of lane discipline', but it's far, far more likely that he was just abitter and twisted Brit who was going to demonstrate to his fat, thin-lipped, sociallydemocratically inclined, big-knickered wife that the show-off in the Ferrari wasn't goingto get home any quicker than they were.

You see this kind of thing when you pull into a petrol station in a supercar. Elsewhere inthe world, people will bound over, full of enthusiasm. They want to see it, sit in it, knowhow fast it goes.

Not here, though. Everyone that walks past will say the same thing. "Bet you don't get

many miles to the gallon with that." It's as though the average Brit is programmed at birthto find somebody else's good fortune so irritating that they will resort to finding the onlything in the Top Trumps deck where their B-reg Toyota Picnic wins: mpg. "Yes, you'reright," I usually reply, nodding at their rust bucket, "but I bet you don't get much sexbecause of that."

Just recently, the immensely talented and beautiful singer songwriter Amy Macdonaldwent on BBC Breakfast and announced she'd bought a Ferrari 458. And she was askedtwo things. Indignantly: "How much did that cost?" And, scoffingly: "Where in Britaincan you drive a car like that?" Bitter, bitter, bitter.

People really do believe that if the lovely Miss Macdonald were to not have a Ferrari,their lives would be improved. It's a state of mind I've never understood. But it's veryreal. It's championed in the Daily Mail, which wages war on anyone who is too beautiful,too rich or too thin. They really believe that if Kate Moss were to develop elephantitis ofthe face, the life of Mrs Prolapsed-Stomachin Pontefract would be improved immeasurably.


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Outwardly, we hated communist Russia; inwardly, it's what 95 per cent of the countrywants. Bankers. Estate Agents. Politicians. Journalists. Anyone in a suit is basically eviland must, after they've been sacked, go to prison. Anyone in a donkey jacket? They'rebasically good and must have a plasma television immediately.

And that's what you need to bear in mind before you buy a supercar in this country.People are going to spit on it, and, when you are not looking, fill it with urine. They'regoing to run coins down its flanks, and deliberately get in your way. They won't let youout of side turnings, they will call you names and, at parties, women will say - thishappened too when I had the 458 Spider - that you must have an incredibly small penis.

They will film you as you drive along and put the fruits of their labours on YouTube.Traffic wardens will single you out, along with the police, for special attention. You willbe able to generate more g in the bends but, as you exit the corner in a blizzard ofphlegm, you'll be handcuffed and made to spend the rest of your life in prison, not daringto pick up the soap.

I like to think this is where TopGear.com is more helpful than other sources of motoringinformation. Rival magazines and websites will tell you how many iron filings are in thedampers of a Ferrari 599 and how many valves are fitted to the engine of a PaganiHneurrgh. But they will not tell you which supercar is best if you don't want to get homedrizzled in a sea of goz. We can: and it's the Aston Martin DBS.

Tell someone you've crashed your Ferrari or your Lambo, and they will laugh. Tell themyou've crashed your Aston, and they will be sad. A crashed Fezza is a crashed Airbus. Acrashed Aston is like a downed Concorde. It hurts. Astons trump our inner Daily Mail.We like them. We like the people who drive them.

Maybe it's because they're grey. Maybe it's because the engine's in the front, where itbloody well belongs; I don't know. But I do know this: an Aston is the only expensive,fast car that miserable, cruel, British b******* actually like. I know that's not very funny.But, as I said earlier, my dog has just died.

Jeremy Clarkson Despre Umorul Englezesc/Jeremy Clarkson on Brits

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